When you feel life is lacking and you'd like to participate in a low-key experimental kind of fun, try calling up a pal to join you for a little Sam's Club shopping expedition.
To do this you will need to temporarily suspend the vomitous loathing you have for those who regularly and willingly choose to shop Wal-Mart/Sam's Club (which does, uh, happens to be you yourself from time to time when you don't have enough 25 cent pieces to string together for a box of tampons, you remind yourself). Yep, swallow your political correctness and feel free to freely use this peculiar brand of entertainment. Following it with a chaser might help reduce the shame you'll feel later.
While it is virtually impossible for one to purchase anything other than the super-dumbo-elephantumbo Pretty Large(tm) size of any item for sale at Sams Club, do try to vary the shapes and sizes of the items you and your friend purhase -- both individually and collectively.
You buy the four bulk paks of fresh flowers so you can do that Martha Stewart pumpkin vase craft project you caught on her annoying addictive show back in October. Those orangey-yellow pompons, by the way, as well as mums and asters, make a lovely combination if they happen to be in stock locally.
Meanwhile over in aisle 88 your friend can busy him or herself picking up pig ears for the dogs' chewy treats. Please allow your friend extra time to look over the multitudinous pig ear options available; if you don't believe your friend and you aren't going to believe me, then walk yourself over to that back aisle to check it out for yourself ... See? D'ya see that??
There are the 'soy product' pigs ears or the super sized package (not as in the specific package size alone; we've established they're all huge but rather, the actual size of the pig ears, like they've been collected from some freakishly large tribe of amazon pigs which, lemmetellya, I would much rather NEVER have to consider running into. Ever. And there are the real and regular pig ears without the preservatives and the pig ears which also contain preservatives (um why?) ... see? A shocking number of decisions must be made in the animal care aisle, so do be kind and give your friend some browsing time.
Pick up a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream for your nonlegal spousalish unit who really does enjoy a good stiff Irish coffee and who, if you are remembering accurately, has an empty bottle at her house. Aside from being a nice surprise gift that'll tickle her heart (and who doesn't need a good tickling every now and again?) it also is an excellent item for the "different shapes and sizes" factor of this experimental fun.
A bulk beverage purchase should be a given: Odd shape, check. Bust-a-hernia heavy, check. Not only that, but it will be something you and your friend can debate whether you each want to buy (your own slab o'Welches? Is that something you want an entire flat of?) until you both settle on going in half-and-half on it, then split the pack between yourselves back at the ranch.
Purchase the giganto 2-fer-$4.99 bags of junk food chip products. You can feed any unexpected marauding armies who may happen by your home in the following few weeks with the contents. If the marauding armies turn on you it is also within the realm of possibility that you could use the the expansive chip bags as some sort of containment device... useful weaponry that you could use to drop over the enemy to surround them.
Now, take all those collective purchases you and your friend have tucked into your mega-cart up to the register. One person should pay for a small number of items while the other should pay for at least twice the number -- say, you pay for five items while your partner pays for ten other items.
Once the checkout procedure has been completed you will be required to give your receipt and mega-cart over to a final posted sentry for his or her highlighting marker swipe "signature" before you will be able to leave the store. Don't freak out, this is usual and customary policy. You should be carrying your few items in your arms; your partner, pushing his or hers in the mega-cart. Swap receipts*.
Not that you'll hate every moment of your experimental experience before this point, but if you have done everything according to the guideline HERE IS WHERE THE EXPERIENCE WILL LIKELY PEAK.
Give the Posted Sentry your partner's receipt. Watch her appear to scrutinize the items in your arms. Notice how critically the Posted Sentry seems to review the items listed on "your" receipt, comparing it against the items you have just purchased. Further note that it doesn't matter that the numbers don't match up, Posted Sentry wishes you well as she moves to clear a path for your exit. If you are doubly lucky (as we were) the Posted Sentry will do the very same thing with your partner's cart full of items and the incorrect register receipt.
I'm not saying that receipt checking is a waste of the company's time and labor, but they'd probably have a more accurate assessment of in-vs.-out if the staffers being paid to check were actually, yanno, CHECKING.
*Whether the receipt swap was intentional or, as was true in our case, unintentional you're sure to have hours of amusement-induced laughter after you've left the store.
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