She struck a sour expression and it STAYED that way.

When I was a kid I learned to turn my eyelids inside-out. It felt cool. Better yet, it was the tool by which I could gain the upper hand over my sisters if I was feeling flanked. My brother? Naw, never worked on him ... he thought it was a hilarious trick. But the girls - my goodness, the frozen expression of revulsion on their faces when I'd turn to them with veined inner eyelids exposed was really something to savor.

Even today, I'll pull out the ol' 'flips her eyelids inside-out' trick for people who I know well enough and trust to not report me to a social service agency if they connect me to the tall guy living here. Mothers, apparently, are supposed to be much more staid - much more steady and responsible - than what I can muster sometimes. Oh well.

But the truth of the matter is that I still hear crabby old people's creaky voices echoing in my ears today. Those naggy unhappy people who couldn't stand for another soul to feel free so they'd nip any giddiness right there in the bud, thank you ma'am:

"If you keep doing that it's going to FREEZE that way and then where'll ya be?"

I wonder what kind of a spirit-killer I am for others without even realizing it when I'm feeling rotten. I mean c'mon, who sets out to be dismal? I think it probably happens like a self-fulfilling prophesy, this idea that if you stay a certain way long enough you'll get stuck there. And I believe it, too. But not where flipped eyelids or double-jointed elbows are concerned. I think it happens when we get stuck in a mindset of superiority, or of negativity, or of dullness, or jealousy, or well heck, name any of yer deadly sins.

I don't feel my best when I'm dour. I certainly don't shine when I'm crabby. And for goddesssake, I don't want to freeze either way permanantly. Maybe the answer is to keep my eyelid flipping trick in my back pocket (so to speak); to always have some creative comic relief for those times when I get just a little too serious or a little too big for my own breeches.

Cuz that stunt still has years of life on it before I unveil the 360d tongue-flipping trick.

Out with it

What's the most revolting food item you've ever eaten?

Sweeten condensed milk on breakfast cereal is one of mine.
I don't know what my mother was thinking.

What's the most revolting NON-food item you've ever eaten?


For me ~ it'd have to be those teeny dried crickets. They had a crunch like Cornnuts. A former coworker brought them back from her extended trip to (...Mexico? Spain?) Somewhere and these beauties were apparently used like croutons to top or accessorize entrees. Yummers.

A whole lotta brown

Today was the final day of summer 2005 so I figured it was probably worth a 'tah tah'.

I found a photo that reflected my internal landscape ... boring blah brown but some mildly interesting texture and shape to it.

I worry about the upcoming winter. There is no reason to worry, I tell myself. But I worry anyway. It will be just fine, I tell myself. But there's a part of me that doesn't believe the other more confident me.

I submitted a poem for a scholarship contest tonight. It isn't due until ohh, I dunno, sometime later than right now. I didn't even worry about when it was due because I decided to make my submission right now - tonight - so I wouldn't have to remember a deadline date.
This is a fairly unusual event for me.

I wish I could be more patient.
I wish I could be an easier forgiver.
I really wish I could be a faster forgetter.

I was nearly proud of myself for having batched up a slew of items to take to Goodwill in the next few days. I'd have been a little more content with myself if I would have just started stacking the stuff by the door when I thought of it (weeks/months ago) rather than having waited until today. When I saw what a mess I've been making and knew I had to do something.

And if that lady doesn't show up for the foot massager/heater device that I've left out on the front porch this past week to freecycle to her, I'm taking that to Goodwill too.


So summertime, thanks for the laughs and for your unbearable heat. When you come back to visit next year feel free to bring a little extra moisture along with you, okay? Write. Call. Let us know you're okay during the coming dark months ... just so we know you're alright and stuff.

You've been warned.

There are times when life is hard and then there are times when life is hard AND I cannot find my diaphragmatic muscles, causing my breathing to come shallowly and in a slightly panicked fashion.

These days? They're the latter. And me? I'm a latter-day diaphragmatic spaz--breather without so much as a 12-stepper 'hey yah, I know whatcha mean yah hey' group.

Several things are not going the way I'd like them to.
* My computer died. Grisly. Gruesome. Unending bootup sequence for which I am inept to do a supergeek move by regediting and using this UBCD download to line edit.

* Homework, homework, homework. Who'd have imagined some of it would be weather dependent? But there are no photos worth the shooting outside if there isn't a good light situation.

* My school financial aid. In a phrase: It ISN'T. The award letter I was supposed to have received last week? Not here yet. The money? That's not around either. If ever you feel the need to sit through a 45 minute appointment for no reason whatsoever, just to cry, embarrass yourself and to get no solution I've got the perfect head of the financial aid dept. guy for you. Oh, one warning: He'll set up appointmnts but don't expect him to run on time for them.

* I am very sad about the purgatorial state in which my computer currently stands.
I miss her. I NEED her!

* Two relatives, both technologically illiterate but driving computers using their fake I.D.s, have had a miasma of computer troubles the past two days. I don't know why I'm suddenly some go-to for tech problems ... I fix my own whenever I can, which is exactly what I think each person should do (fix HER/HIS OWN). I'm tempted to giftwrap the owners manuals for both family members. Here. Read THIS, dorkus.

* I'm fairly certain that my child with the very very l-l-o-o-o-wwwwww voice is speaking extra-quietly, just to piss me off. Not that he WOULD do that for fun, but he could, and he might, and just knowing both possibilities exist makes me bats.

* Friends have been petty. I'm preparing to spend less time with them, despite the fact that I truly do enjoy their company, if they can't pull their collective heads out of their own asses enough to realize that they are not, in fact, the center of the universe. Stand in line and be prepared to wait a while. Until then, deal with it.

* UP, UP with antidep's, according to the pdoc today. Whee. Tis the season.

* Brought out the S A D light in prep for the next ~mumble~ months in a Northern climate with fucked up daylight - soon to be changing such that it will be even more screwy.

* I am petty and small when I feel powerless in myself. So I, in turn, shift that to other people and I nitpick. Don't get it? Okay, here I'll illustrate what I mean:
It makes me cry to think that my ex g/f is offering me kind thoughts, support and love - love~!- at my current state of affairs... when we last left off (in personal terms) at her saying 'I will not talk about feelings or about me anymore. I can't and I won't'. Neato. Fly the coop then offer me love a goddamned year or more later, like that fixes everything. And hey, to make it extra-interesting, let's never discuss why you thought we broke up. Maybe you'll give me a chance to talk this time, and maybe with your mouth shut you'll discover that you made incorrect assumptions. Like that silly old assumption where you thought I wanted to break things off with you. Ha ha ha Ain't that just a kneeslapper.


I guess it all stands to reason that I am not a particularly happy-feeling gal these days. Don't put fingers inside my cage.