I received a sweet note from the boys who asked me to take photos for the movie last year. They've begun submitting it for various film festivals; so far Sundance, Santa Barbara Film Festival, Ann Arbor Film Festival, and Slamdance.
In the coming months, they say, they will be submitting it to many more including the Wisconsin Film Festival and some overseas film festivals.
You can take a look at some of the photos I shot for them here.
05 January 2007
The Captain and Me
03 January 2007
01 January 2007
Welcome to 2007
Blessings and good wishes to you in the new year.
May our hearts be lighter, our loves deeper, and our burdens fewer.
25 December 2006
things that aunts do and do not forget to do
1. the aunts do not place candles where little hands can reach them.
2. the aunts do put bowls of plastic ornaments out for the little hands to fiddle with.
3. the aunts do not remember to scan the bookshelf before the six year old arrives and writes the words she sees on various book bindings.
4. the aunt gives up the battle with nary a fight after the six year old insists 'Ma'am' only has one 'A', and NO hookie thing.
20 December 2006
another mindless quiz
| You Are French Food |
 Snobby yet ubiquitous. People act like they understand you more than they actually do. |
contraction of the monster's esophageal musculature
“The greater the obstacle, the more glory in overcoming it.”
Yeah, you think so? I don't.
Fuck off, Moliere.
“Great minds have purposes; little minds have wishes. Little minds are subdued by misfortunes; great minds rise above them.”
C'mon, Washington Irving ... Throwing reason into the mix? That's a fairly rough way to kick a gal when she's down, ya big meanie.
Yeah, you think so? I don't.
Fuck off, Moliere.
“Great minds have purposes; little minds have wishes. Little minds are subdued by misfortunes; great minds rise above them.”
C'mon, Washington Irving ... Throwing reason into the mix? That's a fairly rough way to kick a gal when she's down, ya big meanie.
19 December 2006
making faces
...last night Momma Bird was gearing up to send Baby Bird to her room. Baby Bird was very tired and was in the earliest stages of meltdown.
Why?
Baby Bird had been asked to pick up her toys. Momma Bird was helping, but, as Baby Bird growlingly informed her, "You broke my very fragilistic things".
18 December 2006
15 December 2006
Blue, and green, and blue
While babysitting my niece at my sister's home this week, I asked Audrey if she had any particularly favorite ornaments.
She was feeling the Blue love.
better get contrite, and quick.
This postcard resides on the wall of my computer desk. I find it a cheery reminder that, while I may occasionally think I'm all that, a big guy with nice legs and be-robed in a sassy yellow number could snap at any moment, causing my otherwise peculiar life to either make a lot more sense, or get squashed flat.
(*I am not the creator of this postcard image, I have scanned it personally as a preview/recommendation of the cool stuff at www.gatheredimages.com. Patronize them already.)
13 December 2006
choppin' broccoli
Am I the only person who still remembers that SNL sketch, albeit vaguely but well enough, to chirp out 'choppin' broccoli, chop chop choppppin' broccoliiiiiii' when someone either utters the word 'chopping' or 'broccoli'?
11 December 2006
ball(ed)-headed holiday hats
...If one is whimsical enough to paint one's home two shades of purple with gold detailing, it probably makes perfect sense that one would then fill the yard with behatted bowling balls.
08 December 2006
random exchange
While shopping a local Walgreen's yesterday, I had an exchange with the photo department clerk that left me thinking about the nature of accidents.
I've been turning these ideas over, trying to wrap my head around how completely against the laws of nature it is that we collectively have billions of daily multiple random interactions with one another, and thinking about how the consequences of those exchanges can be equally random - except when they aren't and something profound occurs within us as a result.
The twenty-something photo department clerk was running her scanner's magical red light wand across the UPC codes on the items I was purchasing while, meanwhile, making polite 'did you find everything you were looking for?' chit chat. I remarked absentmindedly that yes I had but oh goodness, last night I hadn't and that was why I was back again today. She ceased her red light wanding. She looked into my eyes with some concern and asked what had happened last night.
I, having had no expectation that she'd be the least bit interested and in fact, fully expecting her to respond the way many do in such store/elevator/crossing walk exchanges with a 'yeah whatever lady, now move it along' coated chill, prepared the Cliff Notes version of the story and noticed my shoulders lowering slightly. I felt my own energy change in the space of milliseconds. I perceived (even before I recognized the perception!) someone genuinely asking me about what I otherwise would have crossed off as a vaguely disappointing experience that no one cares enough about to inquire about.
I recounted my failed attempt the previous night at 9:45 p.m. to get a photo printed from their insta-pic machine. That night's employees had apparently closed down the photo department early and were not prepared to fulfill a last minute print request. I certainly couldn't fault them for my own last minute emergency, but I was bummed that they weren't following their own set hours and I was disappointed at feeling as though the posted hours (posted policies, posted anythings) were not worth counting on if the employees were in the habit of randomly closing up shop that way. It wasn't a big deal, I'd live to see another day, my sense of self and safety weren't in danger ... it was just one of those pains.
The clerk seemed surprised to hear that her department (her department) had closed early. She apologized for the confusion and explained how, had they been following their regular schedule, she normally would have been there the previous evening but that she had missed severals days' work to take care of a personal matter. I said 'no problem' and expressed my hope that her personal matter turned out okay.
Suddenly the floodgates opened.
Her grandfather had been sick. Yes, he was elderly and they knew he wasn't expected to live much longer but when the doctors had recently diagnosed his cancer and they said he had a month to live and then he'd lived exactly one month, one week it somehow froze the family into a shock. The knowing was one thing, the realizing was another. Grandpa died. The entire family had traveling to be together and present for his funeral. A big family gathering combined with a funeral was one of those chaotic big things.
Then, during the funeral her grandfather's son - her father - had collapsed. He was taken to a hospital emergency room to be treated for an apparent heart attack. The grieving family had to regroup and redirect their energies to help oversee care for her father; they couldn't properly grieve for the loss of their elder patriarch because of the ensuing heart emergency. Another member of her family had become very ill within a couple of days too.
"So yanno", she said, "I'm relieved to be back here and I could certainly think of a lot more stuff I'd have rather been doing during my time off, but that's how it goes sometimes isn't it?"
That's exactly how it goes sometimes, I agreed. Yes, yes, yes.
There was nobody holding her hand to a fire or forcing her to ask me about my shopping experience; she just did it as a matter of course. I didn't have to wish her well; I just did it as a matter of course. For me, something larger and lovelier was exchanged in those few random minutes and I have been left wondering if maybe there exists a rule within the laws of nature that purposefully makes space for the inclusion of random profundity.
the babies grow up too quickly
I'm on the breathing end of a computer problem of Monumental Proportions(tm). I can't say enough about the good people in my life who tried hard to help from far away, and for the I/S smartiepants friend (hi Patti) who came to my home last night with all kinds of saving graces.
I don't have any of my MS Office products back yet so I feel as though I'm wandering directionless without the Outlook calendar that helps me keep my life in order, but Photoshop is nearly back up (I've made only three calls to their toll-free support # so far, and that's just not nearly enough yet), as are some of the other miscellaneous programs that I have grown to become dependent on.
J. informs me that he and Sunny are an exclusive item now. He tried to explain between guffaws and laugh-like noises how he broke his butt today trying to learn a few new break dancing moves and trying to show off maybe just a little. Yes, I'm here to tell you that is true: we did not bury the break dance carcass deep enough back in the eighties and it's come back to haunt the next generation.
He asked if we could take his picture (He. ASKED. ::gasp::) so he could give a copy to Sunny. So we did. The above image is one of the three senior picture possibilities thus far.
01 December 2006
a.w.o.l.
For those who might stop by to peek in regularly, I'm here.
Really.
I am.
The day after Thanksgiving I was feeling wretched -- crabby, short-tempered, listless ... you know the drill. Friday night I sneezed a big batch of sneezes in a row and **poof** I was if I'm not already dying I think I'd rather be dead than this SICK.
I've had this funky cold/flu bug for a week now though, and between horking up my lungs and blowing alarming amounts of mucous from my head and the mad dashes to the toilet for more "hugs" and feeling too faint to walk to the kitchen for a nutritious meal I haven't felt particularly inspired to talk much, even in text.
Truth be told I'm also feeling unsettled about all sorts of stuff that has no bearing whatsoever on you, but for me that means I'm absolutely flatlining on the creative front. I haven't taken my camera out of the bag at all, not even once, this entire past week. Which may sound like no big whoop to you, but for me it's not the least bit right; I carry that thing with me EVERYWHERE, it is virtually ALWAYS on my person or within reach. Not using the camera means something. What, I'm not sure exactly, but something.
Oh, and... well, and the hard drive within my lovely little not-completely-reliable but still-dearly-loved old computer has taken another crap and is now stuck in an endless loop of BIOS testing. I'm handy with a computer but it's quite sensible, I think, to admit a certain amount of DIY defeat when one cannot even understand the questions posed by the BIOS screen when one is trying to get out of that endless testing loop.
I'm stealing time online by using my son's computer (oh, how delighted I now am to have purchased it for him a few years ago - I mean, all those leg wrestling matches and the hair pulling we used to have to do for 'online time' when there WAS only one wonky machine at Chez McBeth!). If I thought this single machine could ably sustain us I'd be less of a fretter, but uh, have you seen how much space Adobe Creative Suite takes up on a hard drive lately? Yeesh. And if you knew my son's downloading habits (which I cannot justifiably kvetch about since he has a job and he is paying for his own tunes now) - well, you'd understand how very little hard drive space remains on this, the working machine. Long story short... that ain't gonna work. No way, no how.
The debate within me now is probably not unlike the same tape loop conversations that we all have with ourselves:
- the cheapest way to go is fixing it myself
- I am unable to fix it myself when it's this broken
- I only want to reformat the hard drive to reinstall apps
- I don't know how to do it
- I can call the great fellas at GeekWorld to help me; I like them.
- They cost much more than fixing it myself (which is what I can afford to do at the moment)
- If the hard drive is not fixable or if there is some flaw inside the box it'd make better sense to buy a new hard drive
- I just installed THIS hard drive earlier this year, f*ck if I'm buying ANOTHER!
- I'm not well-versed enough to know if the current hard drive is hosed enough to turn it permanantly into a coaster for my beverages.
I spin around with those basic ideas/themes until I've convinced myself that for as much hassle as my computer has become in its golden years, maybe it'd be better in the bigger picture to just ditch it and get a new one --
-which I cannot afford
-yadda
You probably get the idea by now.
Life isn't all bad though. My son has a date tomorrow night! He showed me a picture that the New Girl gave to him and she looks by all outward appearances as a pretty, somewhat shy, not-waiflike (for some reason I feel the need to feed waifish-figured people; now I can sit back and trust that she has some basic self-care skills), lovely high school senior who has long black hair and glasses and the slightest hint of a gentle smile.
They tried to schedule a date last weekend but between her scheduling conflicts (she was busy with Hmong New Year festivities) and his (I roped J. down to spend the entire Thanksgiving day with the 20 family members, some extendeds, who had travelled to be here with us) that first try didn't work so well.
He's very smitten with this girl and it's awfully sweet to see his planning at work, nearly heartbreaking to help him figure out the best movie to take her to (no chick flicks because, as his friend Lily told him, it's wayyy too early in their relationship for her to feel like an idiot for crying all over him; no blow-em-up/shoot-em-up movies either; that's just poor taste to assume she'd want to see action heroes until she expresses the interest).
I suggested a movie and absolutely anticipated being shot down for being a hokey old hippie weirdo. There was no shoot-down. I know, I can't believe it either! He and S. are going to see 'Happy Feet' tomorrow night. And he's asked to borrow my car so he has 'good reliable transportation'. And he's really trying to be cavalier about this thing -- even more precious to me because, well, he's SO NOT.
Appropos of nothing really, he informed me tonight that only white people eat fried rice (?) so he refused that option on tonight's take-out dinner menu. I reminded him that fried rice was the ONLY thing he used to choose before he became mah-toor, cultured and too cool for his own good. That kind of lighthearted exchange comprises many of our conversations these days, which delights me and seems to entertain him.
KD is staying over at our place tomorrow night because we -meaning she and I- have agreed that we will have so much post-date grilling to do when he arrives home that it only makes sense. Both of us will want to ask the 'did you kiss her??' question but we're still negotiating who it will sound less creepy coming from.
Between lung horking, sinus drainage, a broken computer and a kid on his first real date that's the news from here.
Really.
I am.
The day after Thanksgiving I was feeling wretched -- crabby, short-tempered, listless ... you know the drill. Friday night I sneezed a big batch of sneezes in a row and **poof** I was if I'm not already dying I think I'd rather be dead than this SICK.
I've had this funky cold/flu bug for a week now though, and between horking up my lungs and blowing alarming amounts of mucous from my head and the mad dashes to the toilet for more "hugs" and feeling too faint to walk to the kitchen for a nutritious meal I haven't felt particularly inspired to talk much, even in text.
Truth be told I'm also feeling unsettled about all sorts of stuff that has no bearing whatsoever on you, but for me that means I'm absolutely flatlining on the creative front. I haven't taken my camera out of the bag at all, not even once, this entire past week. Which may sound like no big whoop to you, but for me it's not the least bit right; I carry that thing with me EVERYWHERE, it is virtually ALWAYS on my person or within reach. Not using the camera means something. What, I'm not sure exactly, but something.
Oh, and... well, and the hard drive within my lovely little not-completely-reliable but still-dearly-loved old computer has taken another crap and is now stuck in an endless loop of BIOS testing. I'm handy with a computer but it's quite sensible, I think, to admit a certain amount of DIY defeat when one cannot even understand the questions posed by the BIOS screen when one is trying to get out of that endless testing loop.
I'm stealing time online by using my son's computer (oh, how delighted I now am to have purchased it for him a few years ago - I mean, all those leg wrestling matches and the hair pulling we used to have to do for 'online time' when there WAS only one wonky machine at Chez McBeth!). If I thought this single machine could ably sustain us I'd be less of a fretter, but uh, have you seen how much space Adobe Creative Suite takes up on a hard drive lately? Yeesh. And if you knew my son's downloading habits (which I cannot justifiably kvetch about since he has a job and he is paying for his own tunes now) - well, you'd understand how very little hard drive space remains on this, the working machine. Long story short... that ain't gonna work. No way, no how.
The debate within me now is probably not unlike the same tape loop conversations that we all have with ourselves:
- the cheapest way to go is fixing it myself
- I am unable to fix it myself when it's this broken
- I only want to reformat the hard drive to reinstall apps
- I don't know how to do it
- I can call the great fellas at GeekWorld to help me; I like them.
- They cost much more than fixing it myself (which is what I can afford to do at the moment)
- If the hard drive is not fixable or if there is some flaw inside the box it'd make better sense to buy a new hard drive
- I just installed THIS hard drive earlier this year, f*ck if I'm buying ANOTHER!
- I'm not well-versed enough to know if the current hard drive is hosed enough to turn it permanantly into a coaster for my beverages.
I spin around with those basic ideas/themes until I've convinced myself that for as much hassle as my computer has become in its golden years, maybe it'd be better in the bigger picture to just ditch it and get a new one --
-which I cannot afford
-yadda
You probably get the idea by now.
Life isn't all bad though. My son has a date tomorrow night! He showed me a picture that the New Girl gave to him and she looks by all outward appearances as a pretty, somewhat shy, not-waiflike (for some reason I feel the need to feed waifish-figured people; now I can sit back and trust that she has some basic self-care skills), lovely high school senior who has long black hair and glasses and the slightest hint of a gentle smile.
They tried to schedule a date last weekend but between her scheduling conflicts (she was busy with Hmong New Year festivities) and his (I roped J. down to spend the entire Thanksgiving day with the 20 family members, some extendeds, who had travelled to be here with us) that first try didn't work so well.
He's very smitten with this girl and it's awfully sweet to see his planning at work, nearly heartbreaking to help him figure out the best movie to take her to (no chick flicks because, as his friend Lily told him, it's wayyy too early in their relationship for her to feel like an idiot for crying all over him; no blow-em-up/shoot-em-up movies either; that's just poor taste to assume she'd want to see action heroes until she expresses the interest).
I suggested a movie and absolutely anticipated being shot down for being a hokey old hippie weirdo. There was no shoot-down. I know, I can't believe it either! He and S. are going to see 'Happy Feet' tomorrow night. And he's asked to borrow my car so he has 'good reliable transportation'. And he's really trying to be cavalier about this thing -- even more precious to me because, well, he's SO NOT.
Appropos of nothing really, he informed me tonight that only white people eat fried rice (?) so he refused that option on tonight's take-out dinner menu. I reminded him that fried rice was the ONLY thing he used to choose before he became mah-toor, cultured and too cool for his own good. That kind of lighthearted exchange comprises many of our conversations these days, which delights me and seems to entertain him.
KD is staying over at our place tomorrow night because we -meaning she and I- have agreed that we will have so much post-date grilling to do when he arrives home that it only makes sense. Both of us will want to ask the 'did you kiss her??' question but we're still negotiating who it will sound less creepy coming from.
Between lung horking, sinus drainage, a broken computer and a kid on his first real date that's the news from here.
24 November 2006
with thankfulness
I spent a goodly share of yesterday's Thanksgiving holiday ruminating all the things and people in my life for which I am grateful.
Here's a biggie on my list:
My son. The goofball I still sometimes refer to as McSlimy. I cannot imagine life with me as the parent is always a delight and I appreciate his mellow go-with-the-flow style. And his sense of humor, sick as it is, buoys me when I'm struggling.
I'm having some trouble lately believing that I have worth, that I do anything of meaningful consequence, that I have better than mediocre talent. One look at that kid confirms that - if I never do anything right again - I've done a better than fair job in raising him, and that's enough to get me through today.
Here's a biggie on my list:
My son. The goofball I still sometimes refer to as McSlimy. I cannot imagine life with me as the parent is always a delight and I appreciate his mellow go-with-the-flow style. And his sense of humor, sick as it is, buoys me when I'm struggling.
I'm having some trouble lately believing that I have worth, that I do anything of meaningful consequence, that I have better than mediocre talent. One look at that kid confirms that - if I never do anything right again - I've done a better than fair job in raising him, and that's enough to get me through today.
17 November 2006
ignorance
My favorite bumpersticker from yesterday's driving, with a twin on the left bumper that read "normal is relative" ... you may want to click on the image to be able to read the text.
What's the bigger point here?
Any organization who will work tirelessly on behalf of my rights gets the big ol thumbs-up from me.
It's just that ... well. Um. Well. Any organization who will work tirelessly on behalf of my rights but somehow make me feel like a contestant for title of biggest losingest loser ever for trying to help them help me? It makes me wonder if those sweet idealistic workers could use a reality break. Or a reality check-in. Or a wake-up slap. But something, definitely something.
A Fair Wisconsin should not make a member of its population feel like a dopey schmuck for being the unemployed disabled economically challenged woman hidden inside the lesbian Holly Near concert-goer she fronts up as.
Last night I was lucky enough to attend the Holly Near concert in Madison. I would not have been able to attend had I been responsible for paying for the tickets, I'll say that here and now. Oh crap. Okay, I'll stop here and just say this: I don't like talking about the reality of me often or much because that's just not very interesting to me. It's painful and it sucks ass a good portion of the time. But it also makes a difference when I'm sharing a story such as the one I'm about to convey so kick your shoes off and have a gander (no staring though please. or direct eye contact, no looking the wildlife directly in the eye)...
I'm a single mom, a condo owner for 10+ years who was able to buy my home through Habitat for Humanity, who is responsible for coming up with my mortgage payment and monthy condo dues. Because I am disabled I have not worked for over four years. I receive a monthly SSDI check and I am not currently working (though change is coming down the pike, but for now let's call it 'not officially working').
The ugly simplistic way to slap a lable on me and mine is to call me what I am: POOR.
I'm probably a microcosm of many better-financed households in that I have to really argue myself into or out of a "want" by a careful comparison of needs. The microcosm part is that my income doesn't substantiate a particularly long list of wants before I've caught myself laughing -at me, always at me. Mostly I laugh about how ridiculously now-and-wow I must fancy myself if I think I HAVE HAVE HAVE HAVE to have Tivo or cable or an MP3 player (but wow, I'd sure love an iPod, who wouldn't?!).
In fact, I just had that argument with myself (I won!) about whether to pay the gas & electric bill or to make a donation to Tret Fure's fundraiser to help finish Wendy Schneider's documentary, CUT, which addresses teens and self-injury. I totally picked that one right. (I'm digressing again, aren't I?)
But luck and the fates do intervene, and hot dog! - my gal has two complimentary tickets to a Holly Near concert and we're so there!
I wish I wouldn't have felt the need to be so contrary, so assertive with my need to be NOTMYMOTHER during my earlier years. Of all the ironies, Holly Near was one of my mother's favorite musicians so I, of course, had to loathe her. I had to be dispassionate about Holly Near: "Yeah whatever. No, I don't really care about her activism or politics or whatever other magical stuff she can do because as long as my mother is going to listen to Holly CDs every Saturday morning for her "motivational music", I got no opinion about her and even less interest in learning more".
KD's first Holly Near experience was over 20 years ago, when she was just a shy baby lesbian coming out of her closet and she's reportedly attended many concerts in the years since, but the concert last night was my maiden voyage into the Holly Near experience. She's good. She's very very very good. I'm still hung up on that whole 'how can I like her if my weird mother likes her?' thing, but my my my she's good.
By that part of the concert referred to as intermission (or 'halftime', by my Packer-loving friends) I had been thinking for some time about what I have done to take a political stake in my own future and the future for the three generations who will exist beyond me and as honestly worn-down tired as I really truly do feel most of the time, I figured aw hell, I can try one more thing. Holly makes it sound like fun, dammit. I blame her. She made me feel encouraged, supported, activated!
So while she led us up one song about civil rights and down another no more war lane I decided a few things: I cannot give more of my time because so little of it exists to be given right now (another post for another time, perhaps. Just trust me for now, okay?) but I decided I could do one more very painless action to encourage my friends and neighbors who don't already have some common sense or a sense of what's going on around us and why their vote will be very important, who might need one little nudge to be swayed, I could do that one thing.
I decided I could put up a little yard sign.
At intermission I told KD I'd be right back, then I headed out in the slow churning of energized bunnies talking and laughing and sharing plans and sharing tactics on our collective way to the lobby.
I located the table that had Fair Wisconsin yard signs and waited my turn to speak with the young man seated to the side. I cannot recall the name of the organization who 'owned' the table, but that table also held some peace & justice yard signs and a whole bunch of other reading materials.
The person in front of me finishes her business and now it's my turn:
me: Hi there! I'd like to help and the way I could help is by putting up a yard sign - I mean, if that would help I'd be glad to do it for you.
he (pulling a clipboard around for me to see): Ah, well! We're really trying to get people to sign up for shifts so they can...
[I cut him off mid-sentence. I realize this is not polite in conversational terms, but I don't want the poor fella to waste his breath when I have very specifically stated my very specific offer]
me: No. Nope nope nope. I will not sign up for a shift. Let me try again. What I meant to say was: I'd like to help and the way I could help is by putting up a yard sign - I mean, if that would help I'd be glad to do it for you.
he (pulling around another information clipboard, different flavor): Oh, okay. Well, they're asking that people make a $5 donation for each sign.
me (now looking at him with the glint of You're Not Hearing Me in my eye): What. I. Meant. To. Say. Was This: I have no money to give you for a sign. But I'd like. to help. and the way. I could help. Is. By Putting UP. a Yard Sign. - I mean,. If THAT. WOULD. HELP. I'D. BE GLAD. TO DO IT. FOR YOU.
he (seemingly unsure of what to say): mmmm, go ahead and take one.
==postscript==
I can't express how disappointed I was, and still am, by the voters in all but two counties in the state of Wisconsin. FairWisconsin raised more funds and awareness than I think they ever expected, but it wasn't enough to knock the marriage amendment referendum outta the park.
I have been wavering on whether or not to post this entry, in part, because FairWisconsin did what seemed impossible a year ago and it's just not nice to knock them when they're down. There's a lot to be said for the great stuff that results from FW's efforts. I've decided to post the entry because the accidental smalling-down of one of the people meant to benefit from their campaign IS important, and that old Biblical lesson about caring for one of the flock makes a certain amount of sense, even in this non-Biblical setting.
I have not taken down my yard sign yet, nor do I intend to until after the snow falls steadily. Call it grieving, call it whatever you want -- I worked for that sign and it's not leaving until I'm good and ready to let it go.
It's just that ... well. Um. Well. Any organization who will work tirelessly on behalf of my rights but somehow make me feel like a contestant for title of biggest losingest loser ever for trying to help them help me? It makes me wonder if those sweet idealistic workers could use a reality break. Or a reality check-in. Or a wake-up slap. But something, definitely something.
A Fair Wisconsin should not make a member of its population feel like a dopey schmuck for being the unemployed disabled economically challenged woman hidden inside the lesbian Holly Near concert-goer she fronts up as.
Last night I was lucky enough to attend the Holly Near concert in Madison. I would not have been able to attend had I been responsible for paying for the tickets, I'll say that here and now. Oh crap. Okay, I'll stop here and just say this: I don't like talking about the reality of me often or much because that's just not very interesting to me. It's painful and it sucks ass a good portion of the time. But it also makes a difference when I'm sharing a story such as the one I'm about to convey so kick your shoes off and have a gander (no staring though please. or direct eye contact, no looking the wildlife directly in the eye)...
I'm a single mom, a condo owner for 10+ years who was able to buy my home through Habitat for Humanity, who is responsible for coming up with my mortgage payment and monthy condo dues. Because I am disabled I have not worked for over four years. I receive a monthly SSDI check and I am not currently working (though change is coming down the pike, but for now let's call it 'not officially working').
The ugly simplistic way to slap a lable on me and mine is to call me what I am: POOR.
I'm probably a microcosm of many better-financed households in that I have to really argue myself into or out of a "want" by a careful comparison of needs. The microcosm part is that my income doesn't substantiate a particularly long list of wants before I've caught myself laughing -at me, always at me. Mostly I laugh about how ridiculously now-and-wow I must fancy myself if I think I HAVE HAVE HAVE HAVE to have Tivo or cable or an MP3 player (but wow, I'd sure love an iPod, who wouldn't?!).
In fact, I just had that argument with myself (I won!) about whether to pay the gas & electric bill or to make a donation to Tret Fure's fundraiser to help finish Wendy Schneider's documentary, CUT, which addresses teens and self-injury. I totally picked that one right. (I'm digressing again, aren't I?)
But luck and the fates do intervene, and hot dog! - my gal has two complimentary tickets to a Holly Near concert and we're so there!
I wish I wouldn't have felt the need to be so contrary, so assertive with my need to be NOTMYMOTHER during my earlier years. Of all the ironies, Holly Near was one of my mother's favorite musicians so I, of course, had to loathe her. I had to be dispassionate about Holly Near: "Yeah whatever. No, I don't really care about her activism or politics or whatever other magical stuff she can do because as long as my mother is going to listen to Holly CDs every Saturday morning for her "motivational music", I got no opinion about her and even less interest in learning more".
KD's first Holly Near experience was over 20 years ago, when she was just a shy baby lesbian coming out of her closet and she's reportedly attended many concerts in the years since, but the concert last night was my maiden voyage into the Holly Near experience. She's good. She's very very very good. I'm still hung up on that whole 'how can I like her if my weird mother likes her?' thing, but my my my she's good.
By that part of the concert referred to as intermission (or 'halftime', by my Packer-loving friends) I had been thinking for some time about what I have done to take a political stake in my own future and the future for the three generations who will exist beyond me and as honestly worn-down tired as I really truly do feel most of the time, I figured aw hell, I can try one more thing. Holly makes it sound like fun, dammit. I blame her. She made me feel encouraged, supported, activated!
So while she led us up one song about civil rights and down another no more war lane I decided a few things: I cannot give more of my time because so little of it exists to be given right now (another post for another time, perhaps. Just trust me for now, okay?) but I decided I could do one more very painless action to encourage my friends and neighbors who don't already have some common sense or a sense of what's going on around us and why their vote will be very important, who might need one little nudge to be swayed, I could do that one thing.
I decided I could put up a little yard sign.
At intermission I told KD I'd be right back, then I headed out in the slow churning of energized bunnies talking and laughing and sharing plans and sharing tactics on our collective way to the lobby.
I located the table that had Fair Wisconsin yard signs and waited my turn to speak with the young man seated to the side. I cannot recall the name of the organization who 'owned' the table, but that table also held some peace & justice yard signs and a whole bunch of other reading materials.
The person in front of me finishes her business and now it's my turn:
me: Hi there! I'd like to help and the way I could help is by putting up a yard sign - I mean, if that would help I'd be glad to do it for you.
he (pulling a clipboard around for me to see): Ah, well! We're really trying to get people to sign up for shifts so they can...
[I cut him off mid-sentence. I realize this is not polite in conversational terms, but I don't want the poor fella to waste his breath when I have very specifically stated my very specific offer]
me: No. Nope nope nope. I will not sign up for a shift. Let me try again. What I meant to say was: I'd like to help and the way I could help is by putting up a yard sign - I mean, if that would help I'd be glad to do it for you.
he (pulling around another information clipboard, different flavor): Oh, okay. Well, they're asking that people make a $5 donation for each sign.
me (now looking at him with the glint of You're Not Hearing Me in my eye): What. I. Meant. To. Say. Was This: I have no money to give you for a sign. But I'd like. to help. and the way. I could help. Is. By Putting UP. a Yard Sign. - I mean,. If THAT. WOULD. HELP. I'D. BE GLAD. TO DO IT. FOR YOU.
he (seemingly unsure of what to say): mmmm, go ahead and take one.
==postscript==
I can't express how disappointed I was, and still am, by the voters in all but two counties in the state of Wisconsin. FairWisconsin raised more funds and awareness than I think they ever expected, but it wasn't enough to knock the marriage amendment referendum outta the park.
I have been wavering on whether or not to post this entry, in part, because FairWisconsin did what seemed impossible a year ago and it's just not nice to knock them when they're down. There's a lot to be said for the great stuff that results from FW's efforts. I've decided to post the entry because the accidental smalling-down of one of the people meant to benefit from their campaign IS important, and that old Biblical lesson about caring for one of the flock makes a certain amount of sense, even in this non-Biblical setting.
I have not taken down my yard sign yet, nor do I intend to until after the snow falls steadily. Call it grieving, call it whatever you want -- I worked for that sign and it's not leaving until I'm good and ready to let it go.
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