A whole play. Less than two minutes, start to finish. Tah dah.

Bitch: A one-minute play

© by McBeth

(two quick talking dogs, littermates, are in a shelter cage. MAGGIE, the elder, is primping while young BRIDGET paces and wriggles impatiently)

BRIDGET
Hey, let’s go out into the yard. Wanna? Wanna? Wanna?

MAGGIE
Heavens no, I just bathed.

BRIDGET
(pleadingly) Oh come ON. Come throw the ball around with me. I’m bored.

MAGGIE
(holding paws up) My nails, Bridget. I just had them done and I don’t want to get them messy again.

BRIDGET
(rolling head dramatically, audibly sighing) God, you’re such a fussbudget, Maggie. Come on, play with me!

MAGGIE
I can’t. He’s coming to pick me up soon and I have to look good. I want everything to be just perfect today.

BRIDGET
(crossing paws in frustration, snorting) Fine. I really don’t understand what the big deal is, anyway. He’s just a guy.

MAGGIE
Oh Bridget, no– he wonderful. (dreamily) He’s so tall, and he has such gentle hands. And – get this – he actually LIKES to take long walks with me! Oooh, when he calls and I hear his deep warm voice I swear it just turns me to butter.

BRIDGET
(A look of disgust crosses her face) Gross!

MAGGIE
Honey, (putting an arm around Bridget) when you meet the right one you’ll know it. You just, I dunno, feel it. Like, way down deep inside you gets all warm and mushy.

BRIDGET
(defensively) No I won’t. Who needs that?! No way. I like my freedom and there’s NO way I’m EVER gonna get all bent over someone like that. Besides, once you go and get yourself hitched to – What’d you call him? (mockingly) “That man o’mine” – you’ll have to do all the stuff HE wants you to do. (Bridget waves her paw to and fro to emphasize each point) It’ll be HIS schedule. HE’LL decide what and when you eat. HE’LL pick where you’ll go together. HE’LL decide who you see and how often you go out. Puh-leese. No thank you.

MAGGIE
That’s not true. He already told me that we’ll be seeing the gang all the time. Really! He enjoys hanging out at the park. If I thought for a moment that I was entering into a paternalistic relationship why, I’d … I’d … I’d bite his leg off and run away.

(BRIDGET sidles up to her sister, laying her head on MAGGIE’S shoulder)

BRIDGET
What’s wrong with staying here? Don’t you like it here with me, sis? We’re happy, right?

MAGGIE
Sure, sure. I love you. You’re FAMILY. But there comes a time in life when you have to leap out into the world and just, well, lap it up. Yanno?

BRIDGET
(sniffing) Once you’re with him I’ll never get to see you again. That’s what’ll happen.

MAGGIE
Hey now, don’t think that way. You just never know, maybe we’ll end up living near one another. And... and if we do, we’ll see each other all the time! We’ll visit each other and we’ll hang out and do fun stuff together. (struggling with a delicate fastener behind her neck) Here Bridge, can you help me with this? I’m not sure how to fasten this new necklace.

(BRIDGET moves behind MAGGIE, wriggling her hand near the base of MAGGIE’S neck. In the next room a man’s voice calls out, “MAGGIE! I’m here just like I said I’d be. Ready to go?” MAGGIE turns excitedly to face BRIDGET)

MAGGIE
It’s him! Well sis, I have to go. (embracing MAGGIE) Good luck, and if you ever come around the neighborhood - bark!

MAGGIE
(MAGGIE exits, calling behind her) I love you Bridgie! Byeeeee!

(Alone now, BRIDGET forlornly lays her head on her arm)

BRIDGET
Bye. (sighing bitterly) Bitch.