You may call me Madame Highness

McBeth.

Of course these are mine and if I have to say this even one more time I think I'll faint. Fine. One last time: yes, they're compressed coal.

Let go of your skeptical, furrowed slitty-eyed ugliness. That look does not favor you.

I keep a red and blue velvet display case outside my home, lit by floodlights (specially ordered bulbs, naturally. The jewels can only be done fair justice to in the proper lighting). I post five very rough looking guards at all times of day to monitor the comings and goings of those who wish to gaze upon me and my gems.

Each day when it is postal delivery time I unlock the thirteen locks keeping my tiara safe. I have one of my henchpeople hold a mirror for me while I put on the earrings, the brooch, the necklace -- all my favorite sparkling baubles.

I walk to the cluster lockbox on the opposite side of the street waving to my townspeople and the grateful citizens who like to know where their taxes are going.

Elbow, elbow, wrist wrist wrist.

I have practiced this royal wave for many years - long before I was singing into the top of the Tickle deoderant container; I am adept and natural at looking as magnificent as my public expects me to appear.

Do not doubt for an instant that I have made note of your expression. Expect a visit from one of the henchpersons soon. We'll hastily remove the smirk from your face forthwith and forsooth.

yet another stray

McBeth.

On Monday of this week a small pack of neighborhood children rang my doorbell.
As in the case of the headbanging red-headed sparrow and the storm-tossed hatchlings, they'd found a stray and as per their usual, they bring the hurt/sick/lost creature to my doorstep because - well, because they can. And because they know I have the same soft spot in me to ensure that the critters get the care they need.

This time we didn't need the emergency vet clinic, thank goodness. This little black kitten was healthy and loud and looking lovely, all his claws and his dangly bits still attached. Strangely enough, he had a narrow white strip of fabric safety pinned around his neck, but no other ID. Rather than taking him to the Humane Society (which is part of the usual 'here's where the critter needs to be' song and dance), I made him comfy in the laundry-1/2bath downstairs, safely away from the three of our cats.

That first night he stayed with us J. took little black cat into his Den of Iniquity (aka the computer room) to hang out with him. Little black kitten hopped right up on J.'s lap and shoulders, purring happily without moving for four continuous hours until J. put him back in the bathroom.

The not-so-happy ending to the story: when I called the Humane Society in search of little black cat's owner's who I was just certain would be frantic to find him, I learned that nobody had called to report his disappearance.
That made my heart break just a little bit.

The much-happier ending to the story: J's friend, also a J-name, had been talking with his mother about getting a pet recently, and the timing of this lost kitty perfectly coincided with their decision-making process. They came to our house two days ago to meet little black cat. He climbed up on J's mother's chest and promptly purred himself to sleep.

Little black cat went home that night -to stay - with them. Yay. : )

bright eyes

The tomato from my garden may have bright eyes, but my own eyes don't feel very wide today. I putzed my way through both classes, barely staying awake through the Greek mythology stories that usually hold my attention so tightly that I usually find myself closing the notebook and putting away my pen wondering how the hour could possibly have already passed. My 35mm class is frustrating - I'm doing something wrong, somehow, somewhere. My negative strips aren't developing properly and I'm not sure if it's something I'm doing in my shooting or if it is something I'm doing during the development process.
We're supposed to be purposefully overdeveloping light-on-light photos that have been bracketed ... shouldn't be hard, but I can't seem to get it to work quite right. I'm hoping to get back out either later today or early tomorrow to find more light-on-light images to shoot (with a roll of 24 exposures it's a matter of finding 8 images, since 8 images x 3 bracketed shots = 24). Tomorrow afternoon I may leave early from my digital photo course to go spend some time in the darkroom. I'm not sure my digital instructor will be thrilled with that choice but I'm only going to get further behind in the 35mm class if I can't manage to properly shoot, develop and print at least one full roll of that light/light project, and THEN do the whole thing again using a dark-on-dark theme.

Sigh.


Meanwhile, I'll go on anthropomorphizing the owl eyed tomatoes I'm growing or what I should probably say is "did grow" since a hard frost fell with a thud last night, leaving very little left to bloom or flower for the remainder of 2005. Hoot hoot.

Drainage and haemorrhoea in need of a remedy

What I could read of the label:

Symptoms and Conditions for which Female Remedy is Recommended.
If you have chronic weakness, bearing down, or perversions incident to life-change.
If you have uterine catarrh, suppressed or painful periods or ovarian dropsy.
If you have suspicious growths, disposed to tumor or cancer, or hemmorhage.
If you have painful or irregular men{struation?}, haemorrhoea, or are unwell most of the time.
If you are suffering from retroversion or {something} of the womb, induration or enlargement , hyper{something}, ulceration or drainage, and the many unending evils that are present in {something} female complaints.

The Circle Game

And the seasons they go round and round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We’re captive on the carousel of time
We can’t return we can only look behind
From where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game -Joni Mitchell


in the case of this particular carousel shot, there are no painted ponies; not a one. Lit with over 20,000 lights but no horses. There are all sorts of other oddities mounted on that profoundly large toy - allegedly the world's largest carousel, in fact. Unicorns and elephants and lions and mermaids and dragons and llama only knows what else, but no, no dappled geldings showing their frozen wooden teeth.

you ought to come visit the dairy state sometime; we'll hold your hand throughout the self-guided tour here at the House on the Rock, where you can walk for six hours through the spooky creative macabre collections of collections and then celebrate the completion at the confectioner's shop where they sell the best caramel apples (and taffy and fudge and mints and barks and and and...).

the weekend of many surprises

A first anniversary weekend away from everything at a near but far-enough-away-to-feel-like-far-away B&B, a trip to the very very strange House on the Rock, and just after the clock struck midnight between Friday and Saturday - Saturday being the actual real true 1st anniversary of 10/22/04 when we first met for a cup of coffee and parted 3 hours later - my girlfriend bent down onto one knee and offered me both a ring (this ring, the ring, such a pretty ring) and a proposal.

My response to her double-whammy was immediate amazed wordless stupefication, followed by giggling, which lasted until I finally squeaked out 'yes'.

I'm at a temporary loss for an explanation ~ why this positive plague of goodness gracing my life? I feel full and oddly (for me, oddly) optimistic.

licen(se)tiousness

Yes yes, I'll get to the story of the skunk that scared the bejezzus out of me (and likely I, she) as I stood outside in the nose-drippingly cool night earlier this evening while reading Blanche Passes Go (Barbara Neely) under the meager low-watt porchlight bulb. If it weren't for the fact that I was born into this world a jumper, already easily startled and long ago accustomed to eeps and acks and shrieks and starts of various strains well, I have new reason to be and yet one more reason to knock off the ole smoking wagon so I don't have to GO outside to light up and do my reading. But I digress.

But anyway.
Anyways.
Did you ever notice how some people say 'anyways'?
As in: 'We have 1 anyway + 1 anyway. How many do we get when we combine them?'

Two.
Anyways.

Good grief, that drives me bats.

Another thing I can hardly bear is to listen to people use incorrect grammar. Repeatedly use incorrect grammar, as though they're trying to push somebody - any one - until their buttons simply jam tight into nose bustin' position.

This comedian, he says with a poke in the air and an elbow nudge to the audience, he says ... my wife and I, he says. We have an open relationship. It's as open as the South Dakota plains, yessirreeebob. She's on the west side of the state open and waiting for me while I schtoink anyone displaying a vaginal opening here on the east side. Harharhar~

Ba dum bum!
tinny canned audience laughter follows

I like the comedian; he's got a generally funny routine and he's smart as hell. He can sit with each of the show hosts and chat without sounding like he's still got a cob up his ass. But cripes I have to admit that my imagination takes me places it ought not take me. I can't figure out if he is he making up that part of the schtick to get the laughs or if he's getting laughs at the expense of his marriage.

I guess famous dudes get all sorts of latitude that regular schmoes don't.
But what the hell is that about?! What, because someone has something I want means I get to fuck him and then! - somehow - I acquire his magical lucky charms? Whatever happened to the old-fashioned crush? Flames, remember them? When someone had charm and charisma and made you feel all gooey inside, back in the pterydactyl days, when holding hands, or pterydactyl wingclaws, was about all you could muster without bursting a blush out the tops of your earlobes?


I was once involved -'in a biblical way', as the kids say- with a married guy. Hooked up in South Bend, Indiana where an NFL charity event was taking place. I dragged a girlfriend along (and by that I mean female friend) since my Interest had a pal who also needed some cheering up. oh-Ho! Cheer them up we did.

Never mind getting used as a loaner fuck buddy to some retired NFL feller while his hotel roommate sat on the can taking a shit in their hotel bathroom with the door open, watching us in the mirror. And I can mostly forget about the things we did that caused me to bleed. The fact is, my Interest had a wife and kids at home.

Wife.
Kids.
Home.

I thought I was something special, oh yes I did.
Goddammit, I bled for him.
He was sharp and sly and he had such a sexy voice. I talked to him weekly, at least. If ever a wooer there was, he wooed with the best of them.
But even after that particularly strange weekend, the one I thought would be a changing event in some way, it just wasn't. He was still married, he still had a family and every single connection he had, legal and emotional and physical, was solidly to his own family, a place I came to understand that I clearly did not belong.

I found no solace in him or in my hopes of what might be if if if .... if maybe I just gave it a little more time.

I was an interloper.
I liked that for a while: I liked being bad, I liked being stealthy and young and sexy to someone I should not be involved with.

What I could not permit was, not unlike the comedic vaginal opening, I was a piece of tittilating female flesh - nothing more.
NOTHING more.

I may as well have been a squash sitting in the sun with a hole cut in it. And yes girls, the boys they do use veggies sometimes so don't go gettin' all oogie about it, just deal. That's life. It's nothing personal, just like fucking you and walking away with no sense of committment or future or --

see? it's easy.

It's easy, he says to the audience of canned meat on vacation from the midwest, seeing LA and cal-ih-forn-eye-ay for the first time, new babes not in the woods but out on the streets where they've never before been, that's what they are. Street meat. That's her. That was me.

It's easy to shut your eyes and pretend you don't have to wake up to see your own reflection in the morning. Just pretend you're not you, she's neither your wife nor herself. Pretend she's a squash! Harharhar.

Harharhar the canned meat laughs back.

All I can say is this: The price of my freedom was far less dear than the cost of my need for attachment.

*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

Oh, and that picture up there? That's my brand spankin' new purse, if you can believe it. Made from two old license plates, it was oh yes it was. My sweetie knew I'd been creaming over several Very Expensive Handbags for sale at a local store that was closing a location. But lemmetellya, even at steep 'EVERYTHING MUST GO' discounts, those handbags with their felt storage bags were still huh-wayyyy out of this gal's price range. So I waited. and waited. And then I remembered another favorite shop that also sells adorableness and it so happened that K. had a coupon worth a great discount at that shop. I made a careful decision (advice: if you decide to get a license purse, be advised that the little oblong tictac looking sachels don't hold much more than maybe some $, a lipstick and keys. Pretty small.) and ordered the square. With the discount I could afford the purse.

Best of all, I can use my new handbag as a defensive tool when I walk in the dark cuz my-oh-my, it may be old and recycled but the reflector stuff on the plate still works!

LITTLEARTH makes some really great products so shimmy on over and take a gander or four. Their products are all recycled items; nobody had to sit in a sweat shop for low wages, no toddlers were put to work to make them, no new forestation was cut to make them ... just nifty new uses for old stuff.

And the canned meat rose and joined in, "Amen".

Manifest this.

Thanks to Capital B for living and breathing and sharing.
She's a rockin' chick with a proud pussy.

Manifest this motha fucka #1:
Every living thing comes from and returns to (get it?)

Manifest this Muddafucka #2:
Let Pussy speak to me through every living thing. As all creatures move and grow, let them bring forth the open ness and warm ness that flows in the energy of Pussy...the life force on which we all depend.

Manifest this Muthafucka #3:
I'm sick of my genitalia being used as an insult. Are you? It's time to let my labia rip and rearrange this. Here we go:
"That was so Pussy of you to help me move to my new place! Especially since I'm living on the 13th floor. You've really made this a Pussy move!"

Manifest this Motherfuckrr #4:
The power of Pussy could be blinding. Do not misinterpret its strength and fear it. Do not try to control it. It is light, rich and full of warmth. Use it wisely and with jeweled intentions.

Manifest this Muthefucka #5:
The Egg says, "Don't forget me, Muddafucka!"
The Egg must not be understated. Let the Egg be the symbol of all courage!
Here we go:
"Honey, that took Eggs for you to tell your customer off for not tipping you 20%!"
The Egg, like courage, is a delicate intricate shell surrounding ever-changing nutritious life!
Let the Egg be the teacher and the Pussy be its nest.

Manifest this Motherfuckrr #6:
Employ the Pussy!
*teacher
*whore
*philosopher
*president
Pay her well!

Manifest this Motherfuckrr #7:
The Pussy is a traveler! No matter where your Pussy energy leads you, let the Pussy be your clock.
Allow the 'ticking' to be measured by
gathered and dispersed
gathered and dispersed
gathered and dispersed
one should not outweigh the other...

Manifest this Mothafucker #8:
Let Pussy manifest and let freedom sing!

Hallelujah

I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like this
The fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you to a kitchen chair
She broke your throne, she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

Maybe I have been here before
I know this room, I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
Love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

There was a time you let me know
What's real and going on below
But now you never show it to me, do you?
And remember when I moved in you
The holy dark was moving too
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

Maybe there's a God above
And all I ever learned from love
Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you
And it's not a cry you can hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

*the Rufus Wainwright version is.the.best.

I know what kind of love this is

I know what kind of love this is
After all, I was there when we made it
And I know why I did what I did
To end a lifetime of wallflower shade
With Buster Brown
The big man in the town
When no one was around

I know what kind of love this is
I know what kind of love this is
I know what kind of love this is

The man in black said, "You won't mind
It'll be over before you know it
You can pretend that you are blind
If it will help you to get over it"
In my parents' bed
Pretending I am dead
Remember every word he said

I know what kind of love this is
I know what kind of love this is
I know what kind of love this is

And when I wake he will be gone
And I won't see him until the classroom
It's just a tale of right and wrong
That they will whisper inside the bathroom
How she lost the game
She'll never be the same
He doesn't even know her name

I know what kind of love this is
I know what kind of love this is
I know what kind of love this is

(Dar Williams, Cry Cry Cry -1998)

One in a million

There is nothing wrong your vision.
Even if you are the only white pumpkin in a patch of orange,
you are fine.
you are good.
you are pumpkin
also.

Not the largest?
Not the fanciest?
Tough to carve?

So what.

From whom did you get the idea that you are supposed to be
something different
than exactly who you are?

Are you not truly you?
Can you value the stem you grew on?
Has the ground supported your growth and
has the rain fed you?

Do not fret for the orange you are not, little white.
You are perfectly created.
You are whole.

the stem of this meme: a heavenly sevenly.

Today's fun, a meme I'm borrowing from MercuryFern (and thank you Merc, for not tagging me, because that most definitely would have to go under 'things I can't do': respond appropriately and as though I'm in control of my alien brain when tagged with a pressure-drenched fun meme)

Seven things I plan to do before I die:
~travel internationally (again. more.)
~earn my college diploma
~write/photograph and publish a book
~own an unattached single-family home with a garage
~actively protest at least 25 reprehensible acts (does this count as 1?)
~forgive my mother
~get beyond the things from my past that won't change

Seven things I can do:
~map sore spots on people's backs using my hands, then mend.
~keep secrets
~make an out-of-this-world slow cooker chicken soup from scratch
~all of my own home improvement projects, so far.
~adore people with whom I disagree
~tie a cherry stem using only my tongue
~laugh so hard I either pee my pants or shoot something out my nose

Seven things I cannot do:
~run five miles without stopping
~multitask well unless manic
~stay on task with any project
~drive a motorcycle
~take the labels I made off the kitchen cabinets, even though they don't exactly describe the contents accurately anymore.
~be het
~keep up with house cleaning

Seven things I find attractive in others:
~dark humor
~forearms
~self-respect
~self-loathing
~potent sexuality
~a well-rounded belief system, regardless of absolute adherance
~their resistance against trying to save me, change me, make up my mind, fix me or otherwise act on a need to alter me in any way

Seven things I say most often:
~but why?
~this is another project I'm working on.
~because I asked you to.
~thank you
~"I'm a dirty hippie?" (sez my son, when asked what I say most often. Not true.)
~shit -or- damn (son and I aren't sure which I say more frequently)
~oojieboojiewoojie (to cats)

Seven celebrity crushes:
~Angelina Jolie
~Susan Werner
~Cap't. Jean-Luc Picard
~Robin Williams
~Juliette Marguiles
~Lyle Lovett
~Kate Winslett

Aerial Navigation

She thought it a good thing that there was still some practice time between now and All Hallows Eve since her skills had taken an unexpected downturn since last year's flight.

Amorous Elk

Fantastic tyrant of the amorous heart. How hard thy yoke, how cruel thy dart. Those escape your anger who refuse your sway, and those are punished most, who most obey.
-Matthew Prior

No thank you.

There are some people who consider a job related to matters of the heart and the of the psyche something they'd never in a million years want to try.

I happen not to be one of those people. I like the brain. I like the unpredictable nature of human beings. I favor matters of the heart.

But I'll tell you one thing ... the job you never need concern yourself with seeing me try to get? Dome walker.

Those little bug looking fellas up there in that picture were just hanging this side of living and breathing by one teeny rope yesterday morning. I was dropping KD off at her job after a reconnaissance mission to get her car dropped off/repaired/picked up and, because she works right up there near the capitol building, I noticed them dangling between life and death before kissing her off and wishing her a good day.

It made me wonder what those men (and, perhaps, women?) who tether themselves to little D-rings say to their loved ones in the morning before they head out to work to do who knows what. And what exactly DO they do up there? Dangle participles? Wave to passers-by? Wish they hadn't had so much orange juice with their breakfasts?

Watching them up there brought to mind one of a series of life-long nighmares that have followed me: The Falling. In this particular nighmare I fall. Fall and fall and tumble and roll and bounce off unseen hard things, spinning faster and harder and more out of control. I imagine that if a rope broke - okay, if the rope and the back up rope and the backup rope's backup rope broke -- well, the resulting fall from the top of the state capitol dome would effectively be my Falling Nightmare brought to life. And then fairly quickly, to death.

I would have like to have had the entire morning to snap shots of those guys up there with their fantastic view. I would have liked to have found a way to ask them questions, maybe by passenger pigeon or two-way radios or something. I'd ask them if they could tell how many fingers I was holding up, I would have asked if they could see that dorky guy in the suit and the too-tight tie coming up the block and if please please pleeeeeeeze they could shine a pocket mirror from up there into his eyes, just to confuse him and maybe make him think it was the beginning of the end of the world.

Yeah. Probably best nobody lets me up there where the view is spectacular. I'd never want to come down.

Mama and Scarlett

McBeth.

She's real.

She's real snuggly.

She's real pretty.

She's learning a variety of eating methods.

She smells good.

She cries very clearly.

Her parents swear the atoms they consist of will burst from amazement and from love.

I swear they are correct, and that they'll reassemble themselves, over and over and over.

Time Prioritization

"Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass under the trees on a summer's day, listening to the murmur of water, or watching the clouds float across the sky, is by no means a waste of time" -John Lubbock

Quiet, in black and white

"Remember the quiet wonders. The world has more need of them than it has for warriors."
-Charles de Lint

Welcome, little one

Scarlet Aurora, I'd like to be the first one to tell you in such a webly way that I'm awfully glad you're here.

I don't know what you look like yet. Your daddy tells me that you're pink and healthy and fat and absolutely lovely. I think that's a very good start for a seven pounder. I think that says great things for someone who begins her life at nineteen inches. When you're 14 you'll probably roll your eyes and get embarrassed that your papa ever called you fat, but trust me, this is something wonderful and by the way he says it he means to hold you fast forever.

He'll hold you so tightly in his heart - always, always. From that very first moment he saw you emerge from your mama to the last time his eyes will one day cast their final gaze upon you - he is your father, you see. He will be engulfed with fear and love like he's never ever ever known before. He'll scream at people to protect you. He'll threaten bodily injury to scary people to protect you. And trust me, he's neither a screamer nor a fighter, but he's a good and loving man and now he's your daddy so if he senses a threat against you he will do all he can to protect you, little cub.

You are his from now on, child.

And you don't know this yet, but you'll have years to come to understand it: you are blessed. You are so lucky! The people you will call 'mama' and 'papa' (though probably not in the order they'd like, and surely not as quickly as they'll long to hear it) have anticipated you. They've dreamed about you. They've hoped for you. They've cried for you to be here. Sometimes they felt scared and hopeless; they wondered if they would be able to create you, to make you, to carry you, to birth you. They weren't always sure that things were going according to plan. (Here's a little heads-up for you, little one: your parents, they're much calmer about letting things be what they are than am I. I fiddle with stuff because I get antsy but your mama and papa? They're usually very calm and 'oh, things are good and we're waiting to see how this will turn out'. You'll probably get used to it; it still mystifies me.)

And now you're here! Imagine that!
You're here!

I am not sure you'll like me. I like to burp. Farting is fun too. Tho' the more I think about it, you and I ... we may have quite a few things in common here at least for the first few years of your life. I'm a big fan of naps.

I hope I'll be comfortable for you to snuggle with. If I'm not, you can just give me a little yowl and I'll be glad to wriggle you around until we've found a more comfortable position. I'm not delicate and small like your mama; I hope that'll be okay with you. I'm rather softly padded. Your cousins seem to think its okay thus far. You can compare notes with them later. You'll probably want to meet them all first.

Oh, and your oldest cousin is very excited to meet you. He's 16 years old and though you probably won't be playing together in the traditional sense of the word, he's going to make a GREAT climbing tower for you. He lets Audrey and Charlie climb all over him already, so he'll be well practiced and nearly broken-in by the time you're ready to climb him. He runs your other cousins around and around in circles until they fall over in exhausted panting giggles, and even when he's pooped out, he still plays with them. Because good grown-ups do that. And, well, he's still in training himself, but I'm pretty sure he's going to be a good grown-up when he's all done being a kid. J. is a good cuddler with your baby Theo cousin too, so I'm betting he'll be very quiet and gentle with you when we meet you for the first time this weekend. He just folds Theo over his shoulder, right up there next to his next all safe and snuggly and they hang out together.

I bet you and J. will have some fab hangin' out time.

And one more thing: if you tell him any of your secrets, they'll be kept safe. I know this. He's a very good secret-keeper.

Scarlet, I'm glad you're here.
Thanks for being in my family.
xo

Love,
Auntie

Happy birthday, Sylvia

On the occasion of your 70th birthday, I'd like to offer my unending love and support in thanks for the safety net you provided to me by helping to connect me with others who experienced voices, visions and mood swings.

(and the next time you are in the midwestern U.S., please let's share a meal and conversation again)

When she found the convenience store closed, she consider alternative snack food sources.

I've been munching away at popcorn lately. I prefer mine buttered. Real butter, not the practically-plastic in its chemical composition margarine, thank you. A little salt, a tease of Lowry's seasoning salt. While I'm surely not as straightforward in most of my preferences, consider it a safe bet that for me popcorn will trump dead fly carcasses every single day.

Appropos of mostly nothing, KD and I went to see Kate Clinton who was in town last night. Funny funny woman. And apparently she's new and improved with her bodaciously blonde hair color (it helped her act when she'd sideline herself ... blame it on the new color ... everyone else does). She shared an anecdote about someone confusing the historical term/place Stonewall for a far different locale when he commented about her "Hey, that Kate's one'a them Stonehenge lesbians". SO close! Teehee.

Afternoon Delight

After 3+ weeks of a seemingly stuck circular reboot situation that rendered my computer a really really pricy desktop decoration-slash-fob, we've gotten to the bottom (or rather, the guts) of what was wrong and I think we all should sit down while I discuss this. Let's all keep our wits about us now, okay?

It's official: the hard drive to my computer is taking its last rasping death breaths. The nice tech dude from Geek World came to make the pronouncement yesterday and was kind enough to include a pencil drawing of a flatlined EKG reading on my receipt. His behavior may seem as though he's hepped up on 76 cups of morning coffee but at least that noticeable hand tremble is mitigated somewhat by his dark sense of humor.

Tech dude gave me the basic instructions on how to replace the hard drive after I indicated to him that I was certainly NO ubergeek - I'm barely a geek wannabe, I am - but I'm fairly capable and not afraid to poke around inside the chest cavity of the dying Vaio. Because I had agreed to type my Maternal Unit's college papers I wasn't able to go hard drive shopping, but K. valiantly offered her shopping services (and cash) to help me out in the middle of my convoluted pickle. I'm continually reminded of how kind and loving she is, and I was given the task of letting go of the tight reigns I hold on what I sorta think of as "me and mine" to let her be the charge-taker and chief decision maker. That wasn't easy for me to let go of my control. Much as I fancy myself generally carefree and frivolous I noticed how tense it made me feel to say 'no, you go ahead, I'll wait here for my mom because the sooner she arrives and I get busy with her stuff, the sooner we can finish'. Miraculously, we all lived to tell about it.

A week ago Friday my digital photog. class met at the state capital bldg to shoot light, lines and space. Steve (instructor) took a look at the preview LCD pane of my camera to double-check my bracketing exposures and said 'hunh. You like macro shots, don't you?' Yeah, I guess I do. Badgerbrains.

She struck a sour expression and it STAYED that way.

When I was a kid I learned to turn my eyelids inside-out. It felt cool. Better yet, it was the tool by which I could gain the upper hand over my sisters if I was feeling flanked. My brother? Naw, never worked on him ... he thought it was a hilarious trick. But the girls - my goodness, the frozen expression of revulsion on their faces when I'd turn to them with veined inner eyelids exposed was really something to savor.

Even today, I'll pull out the ol' 'flips her eyelids inside-out' trick for people who I know well enough and trust to not report me to a social service agency if they connect me to the tall guy living here. Mothers, apparently, are supposed to be much more staid - much more steady and responsible - than what I can muster sometimes. Oh well.

But the truth of the matter is that I still hear crabby old people's creaky voices echoing in my ears today. Those naggy unhappy people who couldn't stand for another soul to feel free so they'd nip any giddiness right there in the bud, thank you ma'am:

"If you keep doing that it's going to FREEZE that way and then where'll ya be?"

I wonder what kind of a spirit-killer I am for others without even realizing it when I'm feeling rotten. I mean c'mon, who sets out to be dismal? I think it probably happens like a self-fulfilling prophesy, this idea that if you stay a certain way long enough you'll get stuck there. And I believe it, too. But not where flipped eyelids or double-jointed elbows are concerned. I think it happens when we get stuck in a mindset of superiority, or of negativity, or of dullness, or jealousy, or well heck, name any of yer deadly sins.

I don't feel my best when I'm dour. I certainly don't shine when I'm crabby. And for goddesssake, I don't want to freeze either way permanantly. Maybe the answer is to keep my eyelid flipping trick in my back pocket (so to speak); to always have some creative comic relief for those times when I get just a little too serious or a little too big for my own breeches.

Cuz that stunt still has years of life on it before I unveil the 360d tongue-flipping trick.

Out with it

What's the most revolting food item you've ever eaten?

Sweeten condensed milk on breakfast cereal is one of mine.
I don't know what my mother was thinking.

What's the most revolting NON-food item you've ever eaten?


For me ~ it'd have to be those teeny dried crickets. They had a crunch like Cornnuts. A former coworker brought them back from her extended trip to (...Mexico? Spain?) Somewhere and these beauties were apparently used like croutons to top or accessorize entrees. Yummers.

A whole lotta brown

Today was the final day of summer 2005 so I figured it was probably worth a 'tah tah'.

I found a photo that reflected my internal landscape ... boring blah brown but some mildly interesting texture and shape to it.

I worry about the upcoming winter. There is no reason to worry, I tell myself. But I worry anyway. It will be just fine, I tell myself. But there's a part of me that doesn't believe the other more confident me.

I submitted a poem for a scholarship contest tonight. It isn't due until ohh, I dunno, sometime later than right now. I didn't even worry about when it was due because I decided to make my submission right now - tonight - so I wouldn't have to remember a deadline date.
This is a fairly unusual event for me.

I wish I could be more patient.
I wish I could be an easier forgiver.
I really wish I could be a faster forgetter.

I was nearly proud of myself for having batched up a slew of items to take to Goodwill in the next few days. I'd have been a little more content with myself if I would have just started stacking the stuff by the door when I thought of it (weeks/months ago) rather than having waited until today. When I saw what a mess I've been making and knew I had to do something.

And if that lady doesn't show up for the foot massager/heater device that I've left out on the front porch this past week to freecycle to her, I'm taking that to Goodwill too.


So summertime, thanks for the laughs and for your unbearable heat. When you come back to visit next year feel free to bring a little extra moisture along with you, okay? Write. Call. Let us know you're okay during the coming dark months ... just so we know you're alright and stuff.

You've been warned.

There are times when life is hard and then there are times when life is hard AND I cannot find my diaphragmatic muscles, causing my breathing to come shallowly and in a slightly panicked fashion.

These days? They're the latter. And me? I'm a latter-day diaphragmatic spaz--breather without so much as a 12-stepper 'hey yah, I know whatcha mean yah hey' group.

Several things are not going the way I'd like them to.
* My computer died. Grisly. Gruesome. Unending bootup sequence for which I am inept to do a supergeek move by regediting and using this UBCD download to line edit.

* Homework, homework, homework. Who'd have imagined some of it would be weather dependent? But there are no photos worth the shooting outside if there isn't a good light situation.

* My school financial aid. In a phrase: It ISN'T. The award letter I was supposed to have received last week? Not here yet. The money? That's not around either. If ever you feel the need to sit through a 45 minute appointment for no reason whatsoever, just to cry, embarrass yourself and to get no solution I've got the perfect head of the financial aid dept. guy for you. Oh, one warning: He'll set up appointmnts but don't expect him to run on time for them.

* I am very sad about the purgatorial state in which my computer currently stands.
I miss her. I NEED her!

* Two relatives, both technologically illiterate but driving computers using their fake I.D.s, have had a miasma of computer troubles the past two days. I don't know why I'm suddenly some go-to for tech problems ... I fix my own whenever I can, which is exactly what I think each person should do (fix HER/HIS OWN). I'm tempted to giftwrap the owners manuals for both family members. Here. Read THIS, dorkus.

* I'm fairly certain that my child with the very very l-l-o-o-o-wwwwww voice is speaking extra-quietly, just to piss me off. Not that he WOULD do that for fun, but he could, and he might, and just knowing both possibilities exist makes me bats.

* Friends have been petty. I'm preparing to spend less time with them, despite the fact that I truly do enjoy their company, if they can't pull their collective heads out of their own asses enough to realize that they are not, in fact, the center of the universe. Stand in line and be prepared to wait a while. Until then, deal with it.

* UP, UP with antidep's, according to the pdoc today. Whee. Tis the season.

* Brought out the S A D light in prep for the next ~mumble~ months in a Northern climate with fucked up daylight - soon to be changing such that it will be even more screwy.

* I am petty and small when I feel powerless in myself. So I, in turn, shift that to other people and I nitpick. Don't get it? Okay, here I'll illustrate what I mean:
It makes me cry to think that my ex g/f is offering me kind thoughts, support and love - love~!- at my current state of affairs... when we last left off (in personal terms) at her saying 'I will not talk about feelings or about me anymore. I can't and I won't'. Neato. Fly the coop then offer me love a goddamned year or more later, like that fixes everything. And hey, to make it extra-interesting, let's never discuss why you thought we broke up. Maybe you'll give me a chance to talk this time, and maybe with your mouth shut you'll discover that you made incorrect assumptions. Like that silly old assumption where you thought I wanted to break things off with you. Ha ha ha Ain't that just a kneeslapper.


I guess it all stands to reason that I am not a particularly happy-feeling gal these days. Don't put fingers inside my cage.

stacking up to be an interesting autumn

One of my sisters and I were discussing the weather during a telephone chat today. She lives near Wisconsin's Cave of the Mounds, a national landmark and a fascinating (tourable!) geological wonder. The house is on a high hill with a miles-wide view south and west; behind the house -hell, surrounding the house like a stronghold- are old oak trees. They're surrounded by woods deep and full with them.

She said that the trees there have been mighty stressed this summer, that the leaves have already begun their abracadabra-presto-chango seasonal color change. But the trees seem to be grunting and groaning as their leaves fade into pale greens and sickly yellows, as if to say "Please, just leave us with the small amount of chlorophyll we have left. We're hot. We're tired. We're thirsty. We need our dormancy, dammit. We need rest. Leave. Us. Alone.". We both agreed that the first week of September is unusually early for trees to be changing colors and/or losing their leaves. It's indicative that the summer's drought was very hard on the natural world and I can't help but wonder if that can't be an ominous sign of the upcoming autumn and winter months which I already find to be difficult even in their most boring most regular guises.

Not only have they been seeing leaves changing colors already, but she reports that the acorns are falling by the bajillions. Never having lived in such a rural location I've never had reason to consider it, but my sister reports that an oak forest dropping its collective acorn load on a house roof sounds not unlike an automatic weapon loaded with approximately 10 minutes worth of bb pellet rounds. Every ten minutes.

MORE FUN WITH ACORNS
She asked me to picture a cartoon creature throwing an open package of ball bearings across a floor, just before another character enters the room. Arms flailing, legs scrambling so fast that the eye cannot see them moving, the dastardly do-badder snickering from behind a wall as he hears "whooaaa whooaaaa whoooaaa whoooaaa!" emitted in high-pitched squeals from the slippery floored room... this apparently describes EXACTLY how her family looks when they try to go outside. The only way they can clear the bajillions of acorns off their long driveway (and the porches and the steps, and the...) is to use an electric leaf blower which really doesn't get rid of them as much as it gets them rolling like a big clickety tumbleweed until they hit the ditch at the end of the driveway. And the flat surfaces stay clear for about 4 hours, max. Then it's time to start the whole process over again.

Once she starts talking about how two adults, one child and a dog all turn into cartoon characters when they are forced to walk on said acorns I can't help myself -- guffaws and chortling, blowing coffee up n'out my nose in fact. I say to her, "Gosh I wish you could be at my bedside every morning to wake me up this way. I can't remember having laughed so hard so early in the day. I love how much and how easily you can amuse me".

She said "Amuse? Or abuse. Because the difference is slight but probably fairly important".

I replied, "If you can do the former I probably won't even notice if you try the latter".

We all have to live with a variety of adorable nuts. Some put a wrench in the mobility works while others - like K., simply enhance the experience while we're here. I'm glad I have siblings and I wish our trees a restful season soon.

auction action

It's never a bad time to take a nap. Take these two vintage Santa coin banks, they found a sunny spot and curled up for a snoozer at the auction I attended... if it hadn't have been for the heat and the crowd I may have just laid myself down to join them!

Consider how you spend your time and how much of that time you think 'eeh, it's just sleep'. Pretend your days and nights were magically reversed, and all that time you spent going and doing and talking and seeing and meeting and appointmenting and planning and reporting in on got to be turned into sleep time.

What would that be like, do you suppose?

A whole play. Less than two minutes, start to finish. Tah dah.

Bitch: A one-minute play

© by McBeth

(two quick talking dogs, littermates, are in a shelter cage. MAGGIE, the elder, is primping while young BRIDGET paces and wriggles impatiently)

BRIDGET
Hey, let’s go out into the yard. Wanna? Wanna? Wanna?

MAGGIE
Heavens no, I just bathed.

BRIDGET
(pleadingly) Oh come ON. Come throw the ball around with me. I’m bored.

MAGGIE
(holding paws up) My nails, Bridget. I just had them done and I don’t want to get them messy again.

BRIDGET
(rolling head dramatically, audibly sighing) God, you’re such a fussbudget, Maggie. Come on, play with me!

MAGGIE
I can’t. He’s coming to pick me up soon and I have to look good. I want everything to be just perfect today.

BRIDGET
(crossing paws in frustration, snorting) Fine. I really don’t understand what the big deal is, anyway. He’s just a guy.

MAGGIE
Oh Bridget, no– he wonderful. (dreamily) He’s so tall, and he has such gentle hands. And – get this – he actually LIKES to take long walks with me! Oooh, when he calls and I hear his deep warm voice I swear it just turns me to butter.

BRIDGET
(A look of disgust crosses her face) Gross!

MAGGIE
Honey, (putting an arm around Bridget) when you meet the right one you’ll know it. You just, I dunno, feel it. Like, way down deep inside you gets all warm and mushy.

BRIDGET
(defensively) No I won’t. Who needs that?! No way. I like my freedom and there’s NO way I’m EVER gonna get all bent over someone like that. Besides, once you go and get yourself hitched to – What’d you call him? (mockingly) “That man o’mine” – you’ll have to do all the stuff HE wants you to do. (Bridget waves her paw to and fro to emphasize each point) It’ll be HIS schedule. HE’LL decide what and when you eat. HE’LL pick where you’ll go together. HE’LL decide who you see and how often you go out. Puh-leese. No thank you.

MAGGIE
That’s not true. He already told me that we’ll be seeing the gang all the time. Really! He enjoys hanging out at the park. If I thought for a moment that I was entering into a paternalistic relationship why, I’d … I’d … I’d bite his leg off and run away.

(BRIDGET sidles up to her sister, laying her head on MAGGIE’S shoulder)

BRIDGET
What’s wrong with staying here? Don’t you like it here with me, sis? We’re happy, right?

MAGGIE
Sure, sure. I love you. You’re FAMILY. But there comes a time in life when you have to leap out into the world and just, well, lap it up. Yanno?

BRIDGET
(sniffing) Once you’re with him I’ll never get to see you again. That’s what’ll happen.

MAGGIE
Hey now, don’t think that way. You just never know, maybe we’ll end up living near one another. And... and if we do, we’ll see each other all the time! We’ll visit each other and we’ll hang out and do fun stuff together. (struggling with a delicate fastener behind her neck) Here Bridge, can you help me with this? I’m not sure how to fasten this new necklace.

(BRIDGET moves behind MAGGIE, wriggling her hand near the base of MAGGIE’S neck. In the next room a man’s voice calls out, “MAGGIE! I’m here just like I said I’d be. Ready to go?” MAGGIE turns excitedly to face BRIDGET)

MAGGIE
It’s him! Well sis, I have to go. (embracing MAGGIE) Good luck, and if you ever come around the neighborhood - bark!

MAGGIE
(MAGGIE exits, calling behind her) I love you Bridgie! Byeeeee!

(Alone now, BRIDGET forlornly lays her head on her arm)

BRIDGET
Bye. (sighing bitterly) Bitch.

Who are you?

Recently, I played a goomle (that's a combo google + game, keep up with the hip kids or you'll be eating their dust soon, I swear it's so. What do you mean I made that word up? I haven't any idea what you could be talking about. Go away and let me continue).

Yes. As I was saying. I googled my name in its various forms to see who the world thinks I might be. To keep things simple here I've replaced all of the various forms - including my birth name, my 'daily use' name and my nickname with the one term "McBeth".

Who am I?

McBeth is...
- an associate editor for HR News.
- confident it's as easy as selling
or refilling hydrogen canisters at the local Exxon station.
- thought to be already dead.
- a minister at a church in South Carolina
- out of the office
- also the answer to another Air National Guard trivia question
- a hardworking art teacher
- systemic
- currently entering the 2nd year as Associate Director of Bands
- one of Kansas City's most enduring treasures
- characterized as a tragic hero
- published by Southern Music Company
- not an exception.
- realistic about that, too.
- a native
- called to a strange murder scene
- a scenery-chewing hysteric
- working on the map I mentioned
- sleeping.
- not qualified to hear this case.
- at the low end of the market pecking order

Let's have some writingly creative fun, shall we? We shall. What lines can I shift around to create something that resembles the beginnings of poetry?

* ~~~~~ * ~~~~~ * ~~~~~ * ~~~~~ * ~~~~~ * ~~~~~ * ~~~~~ * ~~~~~ *

A scenery-chewing hysteric
published by Southern Music Company
offering personalised astrology reports
for dogs,
for just $30,
... at the low end of the market pecking order

(She is) realistic about that, too.

* ~~~~~ * ~~~~~ * ~~~~~ * ~~~~~ * ~~~~~ * ~~~~~ * ~~~~~ * ~~~~~ *

A native,
characterized as a tragic hero and
one of Kansas City's most enduring treasures,
was working on the map (drawn by)
a hardworking art teacher.
Called to a strange murder scene
(by) an associate editor for HR News:

A minister at a church
in South Carolina,
thought to be already dead?
Sleeping.

* ~~~~~ * ~~~~~ * ~~~~~ * ~~~~~ * ~~~~~ * ~~~~~ * ~~~~~ * ~~~~~ *

confident it's as easy as selling,
or refilling hydrogen canisters
at the local Exxon station??

Also the answer to another
systemic
Air National Guard trivia question?!!

OUT OF THE OFFICE!!
(I'm) not qualified to hear this case.

* ~~~~~ * ~~~~~ * ~~~~~ * ~~~~~ * ~~~~~ * ~~~~~ * ~~~~~ * ~~~~~ *

aah. that felt good.

roots and wings

My mother had a plaque she'd hang in each of the homes we lived in. I no longer remember the background graphics (probably some cheezy sunset), but I do remember what it said:

There are two things we can bequeath to our children: one is roots; the other, wings.

When it came time for me to make that weird-ass decision to become a parent sixteen years ago I felt constant guilt for all the things I did provide my child. Am I giving him too much? Should I be letting him learn this particular lesson on his own? I should quit buying those ten cent Matchbox cars at Goodwill; he might get greedy. I'd feel guilty for what I could not provide him. Thought bubbles would percolate to the conscious level constantly: Real families do not live in a one-room studio apartment, nor do they delight in the fact that the one extra non-room (a narrow walk-in closet) will fortuitously double as the baby's room. Good parents do not buy bunkbeds in order to share them with their children. Good parents don't have to fill out piles of paperwork each new school year to prove they're unable to pay for lunches. But I tried hard to remember the timeless words on my mother's plaque and I tried to relax into my parental role.

My curly haired tot is now a good 3/4 of a foot taller than I stand. He's got sideburns, for petessake. He's not finished being my child, nor is he done being A child. Nor am I done parenting him. We still have driving lessons to screech through. We still have PSATs to decipher. He has his basic form and personality; these next few years are just the final brush strokes to the canvas he will be when he leaves my house for his next set of adventures.

The thing is -- in many ways he is who he will be. All these years I have been tending to him like one of my garden perennials: nutritional feedings, consistent watering, weed pulling, and the little seedling starts growing his own set of roots. They weren't something I could forceably attach to him; they just sort of got there on their own each time we met up with an encounter.

The days I let him figure out his own way to school because my two wake-ups and an alarm clock didn't outperform his sleepiness from staying up too late the night before? Scrrrrich! His tiny feeler roots grew millimeters, barely noticeable but there they were.

We've had discussions about trying to have a balanced life and how anything - drugs or alcohol or shopping or a friend or reading or fishing or cars - can so easily tip the balance out of whack. Little roots grew.

And when I embarrassed him beyond belief yesterday at Best Buy for speaking to both a clerk and a manager about my opinions re: what the Geek Squad's repair team did and did not do to his broken Ipod, he didn't really want much to do with me the rest of the afternoon. But on the way home I explained why I felt the way I did, I apologized for having embarrassed him, talked about why I expected integrity from those people, and why "it's fixed, isn't that's whats important?" really was not the point. And his roots grew.

At sixteen he has the majority of the roots he'll need for early adulthood, but he desperately wants his wings, this boy. He wants to work so he can save money to buy nifty cars and gadgets for the cars and tinkertoys for the gadgets for the cars. He takes pride in the fact that his friends all think he's weird because he is the only one among them that actually likes to save money. Now - I'm not sure where his joie de savings came from exactly but - it heartens me to know that he's got a remarkably steady head on his hormonal shoulders.

De-cocooned, he has discovered friendships worth maintaining and, together, they fly hither and yon each day. I'm told the very basics ('we went to the mall/park/garage'); I'm told all he wants me to know.

He wants dry wings. He wants a good clean breeze and a steady lift. And one day - probably sooner than I'd like, like most creatures in the natural world and just like the way it should be, he'll fly away from me.

slung sucklings sleep snugly

Nephew Theo naps in his hotsling

taking a second look

Two days before the skunk incident (as reported in the entry just below this one), I was sitting outside. I was engaging in what is a newly-established habit for me of smoking at least one cigarette per day mindfully. Some other day I might get around to yakking more about the interesting experiences I've had via my participation in a University of Wisconsin Health Clinics research project on the effects of mindfulness and yoga/relaxation on smoking cessation, but for now, I was seated on the cement front porch at KD's place - mindfully inhaling, making note of which part of my tongue felt what, watching what my hands were doing, yadda.

There are at least three neighborhood indoor/outdoor cats in KD's neighborhood: A tuxedo, a tabby and another one that (coincidentally?) looks a lot like my FartieArtie. While I sat there on KD's porch I noticed the Artemis-looking cat curled up beneath a tree, sleeping soundly in that certain way that only a cat can circularly sleep.

Though I didn't realize this at the time, I must've been looking for some serious distraction - I hoped for something to take my mind away from my less-than-great habit, something new & different to turn my attention TO... hey, why not make pals with the sleeping cat?! YEAH! I called out to the little sleeping circular cat "Kiiiii-tttttyyyy! Wake uuuuuuuup little kittyyyyyyy. Want some petting? I'll pet you if you'll come ooooooo-oover hereeee".

Kitty stayed right where she was. 'She must be a good sleeper', I figured. I called to her again a couple of times, both with similar results. Kitty cared very little for me or for my desire to escape the mindfulness exercise. Kitty stayed very certainly put.

Not one particularly interested in ruining the good rest of another slumbering soul, I left her alone with high hopes of returning my mind to a calm open broad calm space of contemplation and relaxation. Then my mind hopped off its stool and meandered off again, taking me far and away down ghoulish pathways where mean people do terrible things to indoor/outdoor neighboorhood cats and the cats just die out on the curbside, right there where people don't even see them because they think the cat is sleeping. Like... how I think the cat is sleeping right now. And the more I tried to convince myself that I should leave her alone and just let the sleeping cat lie, the more image passed through my brain of the possible tragedies that may have befallen the sweet little critter.

I was way past mindful cigarette smoking at this point - this was life or death and I was out to save a vulnerable cat. I called to her a final time and when again she didn't move, I stepped up off the porch to come closer to her in hopes of learning more (but please god not too much. I don't need it graphic if something bad has happened, really I don't) about why the cat wasn't responding to my calls.

As I rounded the tree it became instantly clear why kitty wasn't waking up.
Kitty, as it were, was actually a big knob of tree root at the base of a curbside tree.

I was talking to the rootball on the back side of a tree.
Great. Super!

I suppose the good news tucked inside all my crazy cat seeingness is that a.) no cats HAVE died recently, including Artie, and b.) it is cheap and harmless fun. I didn't get skunked and other than the slight embarrassment of admitting the way my brain occasionally [read: frequently] misfires, it's all good.

Cats, cats, everywhere cats

I’m not sure what it is lately, but I’ve been seeing cats in strange places.  I’ve been seeing them everywhere.

Maybe the fact that we just celebrated the 16th birthday of our oldest cat along with my son’s 16th birthday (yesterday, in fact) is weighing in somewhere deep inside my subconscious, bringing Artie’s kittenhood to the forefront of my active thinking.  More than those early fuzzball years, when J. would toss Cheerios over the edge of the high chair tray to the tiny purring mouth far below, I watch Artemis make calculated decisions to or not to leap up onto the high places that used to be easy jumps for him and ultimately, I consider the approaching end of his life and what effect that will have in our household.

Two nights ago I sat outside on my front porch in the dark.  The sky was surprisingly bright for all the light pollution in my particular neighborhood, in my particular city.  The air was so cool, so crisp a reminder to me that despite the sweaty summer, autumn is fast approaching.  From the far left and behind a bush, a wayward pumpkin vine, numerous perennials and the three clumps of daylilies that have caught their orangey third wind this season, I peripherally noticed a cat poking its nose around some sunflower plants.  She had a coat similar to our middle cat Puppy, who is a dark coated, and somewhat dimwitted but always loveable Tortie.

“Heeeeereeeee kitty.  C’mere kitty”, I stage whispered across the garden.  I was interested in making a connection – to the cat, not to neighbors I might inadvertently wake by cat calls.  Kitty stopped sniffing around, but she didn’t make any movement indicating she wanted to be friends.  I made soft low clucking noises to her.  What appeared to be her head rose up to sniff the air, but she wouldn’t come closer.  

When my six or seven further attempts at “Here kitty kitty” and clucking to the frightened cat over the next ten minutes didn’t produce any signs of confidence, I decided to move me closer to her.  Bridge the gap, so to speak.   I quietly padded across the strip of sidewalk onto the wet grass and neared the daylilies where she was hiding, then immediately retreated.

Sweet little shy kitty who wasn’t responding to my love calls was, in fact, a skunk.  

I must admit to the whoosh of the adrenaline rush as well as the Homeresque ‘D’oh!’, but I was awfully gratefully for having met the one who was kind enough to give me ample time to get myself out of the way before she had to do what comes naturally when feeling threatened.

little fish in a small pond

"A recent checkup showed [President Bush] is arguably the healthiest Chief Executive ever. His secret? Daily exercise and near total disengagement with reality."
-Jon Stewart

Beautiful sister

Butterflies are free (and, if you give them a lil sugah, they're also easy)

Photo Op

In a strange Six Degrees of Separation kind of way, I was introduced to the art director of a popular local weekly paper at the wedding of yet more friends-of-friends several weeks ago. KD suggested to me that I send the photos I shot at the wedding along to her. My internal response was something along the lines of 'no fucking way. She is Someone; I am Not', though my thoughts rarely include curse words so I may have made that one word up while typing this.

At any rate, I thought more about it, said 'mmm, yeah I suppose I could. It'd be good practice for being polite in the face of ridicule and guffaws. Sure, why not?'. So I sat down with the digital images I'd shot, cropped and cleaned them up a bit, then sent them along, attached to an email that said "Thought you might like to see pictures from the wedding. Please feel free to pass them along to any other folks who might like to see them" She responded with a lovely note that said she thought they were great, she thanked me for sending them to her and added that she'd send them on to The Bride (a photographer by trade). I felt instantly shy, but I was proud of myself for having successfully overcome the negative What are you doing?? Are you nuts?
thoughts long enough to follow through on something that I knew on a gut level would be welcomed and, I reassured myself, the photos weren't THAT horrible.


I was visiting a close friend in Washington D.C. last week when I received an email with the subject line 'Isthmus Photo Assignment'. It was a note from the art director, who wrote that she liked how I had no qualms about getting the angle I was looking for at the wedding and that she liked the end results. There would be a group playing at a local joint [which used to be a cigar bar until the very recent city smoking ban ordinance was passed, but that's a whole 'nother bag of butts and is, perhaps, best left for another entry]. Would I be available to take pictures of them to accompany the upcoming music column?

Given that it was nearly 2:00 a.m. I decided against issuing out a whoop of overexcited delight, mostly to spare my hosts from being forced to sleepily celebrate this unexpected good fortune with me. I worked out a response that I hoped would sound confident, easy, relaxed. 'Don't be overeager about this, you'll look completely desperate', I chided myself.

One email exchange later, I had the details I needed and she had my agreement to shoot Machiavellian Machine, a techno-ambient electronic musical duo. I had a day and a half to go through the shots, weed out the best from the truly sucktastic, then get an acceptable product back to her. With slight concern about the short turnaround time and my general sense of organized chaos, I woke unconscionably early on Tuesday to ensure a rush-free zone because those are the times I tend to pull my cart (uphill) while leaving the horse standing in the stable. Later Tuesday morning, like when regular people are awake, I received a response to the double batch of photos I'd sent along: The photos were great - I'd captured real feeling in the shots. She also asked for my address so she could send me a check for my work and thanked me again for taking on the assignment.

I was tempted to do that whole 'they like me! They really like me!' routine. It didn't matter to me if anyone ever asked me to shoot photos for them ever again, I'd been given the opportunity to experience the process once, and that was swell.

Yesterday I received another email from the art director. It bore the subject line 'Isthmus photo assignment'. I thought for a moment that she'd accidentally resent her original email to me, so I quickly scanned the short email message while simultaneously considering how to respond with an OOPS message - something along the lines of either "I'm so sorry to bother you, but I think I may have received this in error", or "Grab yourself a cup of caffeine sistah, you're sending outdated emails".

But it was a new request - for an upcoming assignment later this week.
Holy wow. I was truly surprised!

Now I have a new dilemna ... I keep thinking I really can't keep using the fairly outdated Fuji Finepix S5000 I bought several years ago and have been using on a near-daily basis ever since. Not when the camera of my dreams is out there, just waiting for me. Or the big girl's little sister, also a camera I wouldn't kick out of bed for eating crackers. I'm craving a hi-res camera with more functions and lens adaptability. Me want. Me want. Me want. Me will have to wait a little while longer.

Crabby crab crab

Scheduling ourselves has become a very complicated thing as we launch into these days that grant us the earliest whiffs of autumn.

This evening while ripping through a late dinner, KD and I discussed my upcoming school schedule, a trip she's planning that we had hoped we'd both be able to take, the impending arrival of my manchild back to the state after his vacation to visit Dad's side of the family up nort, ya hey dere ... I wondered to myself 'how did we suddenly become so busy?'.

Though we disagree on very little, we don't always agree on what should be the most important thing, my gal and I. I've been through the burning fires of nighttime feedings, the earliest fledgling days of cries and gurgles and stitches to his mouth which came the one day I wasn't watching closely enough and he whacked his face on my bed frame: all these things that have gone into forging my maternal relationship to my kid. I absolutely do not fault her for not having a constant clinging cobweb of parental guilt hanging over her head like the stormcloud-for-one I seem to stand beneath. Rather, I love her all the more for trying so hard to understand my perspective, and moreso - for loving me despite it.


Now that he's nearly 16, maybe I should focus a little more intently on letting my kid go; maybe I should focus on being nearby. Maybe I should remove all the alcohol in the house in preparation for the day he suddenly develops a taste for something throat burningly room temperature. Maybe I should put him in one of those newfangled playpens (sure, call it a Pack n' Play if you want, but c'mon, we both know it's simply a glorified, wordified playpen), complete with the breathable mesh zippered lid to keep him from climbing out. It's for HIS safety, after all. Yeah yeah yeah, the idea that locking him down is primarily to serve his safety, but my contantly worrying mother mind finds the concept consoling.

Needless to say, my main concerns about the upcoming travel plans initially circled like vultures primarily over the kid. He will be starting his junior year in high school which by definition automatically marks him as no babe in the woods, but I worried: what kind of responsible-appearing mother leaves her kid home so she can have a fun birthday cake eating visit with the out-laws? Would I be able to sit with these people I'm still just in the beginning stages of getting to know as Family when the specter of my child's image floats around me, index finger pointed accusingly?

I was surprised at how long it took me to connect various other scheduling issues into the melee of chattering brain monkeys, but a few days ago it occurred to me that I will also be in school in a matter of weeks. When I thought of this it was 3:00 a.m. and I was lying in the dark, in the Baseball-slash-Guest Room at my friend's home in Arlington, Virginia. I didn't have the copy of my class schedule with me and couldn't do a thing about it so, instead, I turned the Discman volume up just a little higher, rolled over to my other side and hoped I'd remember this issue long enough to check the details when I returned home. A-yup, I've got classes on Thursdays and Fridays, both. Shit. I had forgotten that I'd scheduled that digital photo class for Fridays. Shit.

So tonight, between dinner and my house, my favorite gal (ooh, I think I'll call her MFG now, what a nice ring that has!) and I tried to figure out how all these flagrantly unmatched schedules (hers/mine/his/ours) are going to work out together. I don't go along with her to her family gathering... Check. Neither of us are particularly thrilled about my cancellation, but I do feel grateful and I have a sense of relief for having examined my initial guilty hesitations in some depth. What's more, I won't be double-booking my calendar accidentally - or worse, purposefully - in order to try to make everybody happy. Sometimes things just don't work out the way we hope. It happens and, generally speaking, we live to tell about it.

MFG had a long day today, with some unexpected twists and turns that had her feeling crabby, she said. Once we had waded through school calendars and came to realize that I wouldn't be able to travel with her as she/we'd hoped, she got just the tiniest bit crabbier, poor gal.

But she hung in like a trooper - well, not a military trooper because that image is way too formal and involves weapons - just a loving kind trooper who surprises her girlfriend with roses, just because girlfriend arrived home and was missed. That kind of trooper. We waited to claim the long legged baggage that is my child at the bus depot, and once his bus arrived we zipped home. Shortly thereafter Kid drove off with his friend, and MFG & I were left to do some late-night grocery shopping (while the boy was gone I hadn't powershopped like the provider of a male teenage mouth must do on a semi-regular basis; it had to be done).

One of the items on KD's grocery list was canned crab meat. We hemmed and hawed about which of the three varieties of two available brands would be best ...
'are the expensive cans better meat?'
'that one only has eight ounces in the pack, this one is twelve ounces.'

She picked the largest can (you can buy a pound of canned crab meat at the local grocery. who knew?) and we made our way through the aisles as hastily as possible.

When it came time to check out, the clerk swiped the can across the scanner. The can price rang up as $9.50 (give or take a few cents). I asked my gal, 'wasn't that price marked at $8.99 back on the shelf?'. She'd had a long day, she was crabby (and I'd perpetuated the feeling somewhat); this was late night for her -- as much as I wanted to fight in the name of accurate pricing, I also totally understood how ridiculous this could seem to someone who is not-me. Really, who the fuck cares about a 50 cent difference?

The freckle-faced clerk said he'd take over bagging if the bagger dude would go back to doublecheck the shelf price. KD and I chatted away as the clerk scanned and bagged the rest of her items. Bagger Dude returned, mumbling 'Eight ninety nine'.
DING! I did remember that correctly! I can't remember what I'm doing from day to day but hallelujah, I can remember the shelf price on a can of crab meat.

Clerk was about to go back into the register tape to review the scanned price when I noticed a sign next to the ATM swiper machine and quickly interrupted him. "Say, does that mispriced can count in this 'if you are charged incorrectly for an item and you bring it to our attention, the item is free' deal?" He thought for a few seconds and responded that yes, yes indeed it does. He'd forgotten about that program. After all, he said, it's not like the higher-ups at the store like to remind staff to actually catch errors or encourage customers to do the same.

So the $8.99 can of crab meat came to KD totally free, making my previously crabby girlfriend quite smiley indeed. In noticing and standing up for her mispriced can I certainly couldn't have erased her sense of disappointment at my trip cancellation but I hope I was able to adequately communicate that even during our crabbity crab crab times I'll have her back.

Tunes for wing-walking

As much as traveling completely excites my electrons and my sometimes napping restlessness, I'm not terribly fond of the thirteen million others traveling with me.

Strangers, to be more clear, are strange.

I have a thing about sharing my body space with people I've never laid eyes on until the awkward moment we meet while tossing our bags about, grasping for a book or a pillow while shoving the unnecessaries out of our way.

I'm not sure what the fabulous Universe is trying to teach me about men and fear, but I seem to have a peculiar knack for being seated next to (probably otherwise very sweet) nervous single male fliers. The foot-tapping, nail biting, fidgeting praying eyes shut men who would never admit to the fellas at the club to having kissed that golden crucifix dangling from a gold chain (and no longer hiding under their business shirt) while summarily kissing their own asses goodbye, just in case. But there it is, my dumb luck and the Universe's amusing little sense of wry humor.

I don't mind sharing the space that exists between the hair on his arms and the hair on mine, but there seems to be a slightly discourteous attitude that accompanies nervous fliers which causes them to completely forget courtesy in the midst of their unravelling. You see, if they're going to be sharing any part of my body at all, my unspoken rule is that they're going to have to make eye contact with me at least once before we buckle ourselves in for the adventure. And it would behoove them to make the eye contact right off the bat because I WILL have eye contact before we land, dammit. I will talk, I will ask questions, I will counter-wiggle against his shifting nervousness and silently mouthed praying ('oh god, I really wanted to date that woman from the next floor up. Please just let me live and I promise I'll talk to her. Please lord, do not ignore this plea, please let me live and land safely and I'll fuck her in the name of all the saints, if that will please you and get me from here to there and back safely').

Pray all you want, sweetieboy, but until you look me in the eyeballs and exchange one simple pleasantry with me -just one!- I will make your nervewracking trip something out of a Hitchcock film, I swear I will. Try me. Wanna know exactly how many times I can have to get up to use the airplane bathroom in two hours? Keep not looking at me and you'll certainly find out.

Pretend I'm not there, will you? Fine. I hope that wasn't an engine falling out just now, did you hear that noise? Naw, probably not the engine. Maybe just a thingie that is supposed to be underneath one of the wings. See how that works?

Where was I? Oh, yes. Sharing body space. We don't have to exchange personal details, nor will I expect a greeting card from you to let me know you've remembered my birthday. I won't follow you in your dreams, mocking your terror of the friendly skies ...

That's all. Yes, that's it, the whole shebang. I'll pop in the earbuds to my discman and go merrily on my photographic playtime way. Just please very simply admit I exist.

Pardon me, but I have a banana in my ear

EROTICA! - Wet, salty and delicious You are driven
to excite the reader into a literal froth with
your literary talents! You are a connoisseur of
the carnal side of humanity from Kink to
high-speed BJs in the front seat of a speeding
jag! Sex is GOOD. Penthouse and the Internet
after dark are your inspirations!


What Kind of Novel Should I Write?
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the act of the break

McBeth.

One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can't utter.

-James Earl Jones

... you know you want to.

Lost in the storm

McBeth.

once again, the neighbor children called upon me today to help them rescue the local fauna.

Though the stories all sound slightly different (insert slightly skeptical furrowed brow here), the basic story goes that the nest was found upended underneath a tree, with two other babies already dead. One of the girls said it looked like the mama bird was trying to kill one of these remaining live young, which could have been mama bird trying to *save* the baby by returning it to the nest. The kids apparently tucked these two new hatchlings into a shoe overnight for safekeeping but freaked today when they ran out of bird babysitting ideas. Yanno, like how does one feed something this small with no feathers and no eyes, this thing that cannot even hold its head up on its own. I'd freak too if I was seven years old.

At any rate, we've had some whopper storms - severe storm warnings, tornado warnings, the works - the past few days (followed by killer heat today) and the very nice intake lady at the Humane Society said that they'd been taking in lots of bird babies the past couple of days who had been experiencing the same unfortunate results as did these two wee ones.